Organizing Our Dust with Kaila

When the reflection in the mirror begins to define our self-worth, it's time to step back and seek our true value. This episode takes a heartfelt look at Kaila's courageous battle with body image and the pursuit of self-worth through the lens of faith. As a mother of three with a love for photography, Kaila opens up about the pressures of conforming to beauty standards and the turbulence of an eating disorder rooted in her high school years. Her narrative serves as a powerful reminder of the ongoing struggle against societal expectations and the need to ground our identity in something far deeper than external validation.

Venturing further into the realms of love, relationships, and the trials of faith, we confront the challenges when life's choices lead us away from our spiritual path. Kaila shares the profound lessons learned in a marriage built on shaky ground and the transformative decision to choose a life aligned with Christ's gospel. It's a story of loneliness, the complexities of parenthood, and the eventual solace found in returning to a faith-centered existence. This conversation shines a light on the resilience required to navigate personal pain, betrayal, and the long road to healing—both within a marriage and within oneself. This episode isn't just about sharing stories; it's about inviting you to join the conversation, reflecting on how Jesus Christ has touched your life in ways that are far from coincidental. So, as you tune in, prepare to be moved by the strength of the human spirit and the life-changing power of faith that carries us through the most challenging of times.

Please reach out to me if you are interested in sharing your story! I would LOVE to hear from you. :)

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Transcript

Lily: 0:06

Hello everyone and welcome to. More Than Coincidence Remembering Jesus Christ in your Story as the author and finisher of our faith, our Savior writes personal experiences into each of our lives which can later strengthen, empower and bring us peace upon reflection. This podcast is dedicated to sharing these anchoring memories from everyone's unique stories in order to collectively remember and testify of the reality of Jesus Christ and his presence in our lives. I'm your host, lily, and I'm very excited to share these experiences together. Hello everybody, and welcome to the podcast. Today we have Kayla Welcome. Hello. Hi Lily, how are you doing?

Kaila: 0:50

Tell us about yourself. I am doing really well. I am Kayla, obviously, and I am 30 years old. I have three little kiddos. I am just living life. I don't know.

Lily: 1:12

I love to be outdoors.

Kaila: 1:18

We live right by a lake so I love to go hang out by the lake a lot. Oh yeah, I don't know, I just like to. Yeah, kind of outdoorsy girl.

Lily: 1:27

You still into photography? I know you're doing photography a lot.

Kaila: 1:31

I do love photography still, especially with babies. I love to do more photography. Yeah, they're just so sweet and special.

Lily: 1:40

Well, I've seen some of the pictures you post and I'm like gosh, it's so professional, it's so good.

Kaila: 1:46

You know I've had a lot of practice. It didn't start that way, but thank you.

Lily: 1:51

I think you're doing great Well. So Kayla and I actually met in high school and so that was pretty fun. We ran track together, and so I'm really excited to be chatting with her and hearing all of her cool experiences. So I'll just say, kayla, what memories do you have that you reflect on, that? Prick your heart in remembrance of our Savior Jesus Christ and anchor you to him.

Kaila: 2:13

So I've heard you say the word prick a lot of times in the different podcasts. For me it is less of a prick and it's been more of like a beating. That's where I've had to get, and so my story really begins when I was just a little girl, and the root of my story and how it will all kind of come together is basically about lust and the way that Satan uses lust in a lot of ways to pull us away from our identity and our potential, from God, and I wanted to preface this by saying that there's no such thing as I've arrived, because I feel like that's really important, like in the different experiences that we have, I think sometimes and I felt this in my life, where sometimes I'm like.

Kaila: 3:14

I've gone through this hard thing, I've arrived. I'm great, I'm close to Christ we're good.

Kaila: 3:19

You know, and I felt that. So I just wanted to preface this by saying that, I think, because for me I'm very much in the thick of things right now, but I feel like I can draw from these past experiences and we go through things constantly yeah, exactly, and it's yeah, so it's all. It all kind of started, yeah, back when I was young and it all ties together this way. But I have very specific memories of many times that people commented to my mom or to me about how physically, like physically beautiful I was right, and they would pick me apart piece by piece and say seemingly nice things about me and this, this. I say this because it's, it's.

Kaila: 4:13

It was really impactful for me, um, and I, just as a little girl, they would say to my mom, like, oh, how she has the most beautiful eyes or skin or lips, and it didn't necessarily impact me in a good way in the long run. My mom put a lot of emphasis on my outward appearance and would comment on my size and compare me to people. As I grew up and talked about body types a lot, there was a lot of body emphasis in my family and it reinforced the idea that my worth came from my physical body and then so as I got older. In junior junior high, I started on the cheer team and being small, specifically, was continually celebrated.

Lily: 5:15

So I I felt like I had a lot of pressure to be a certain size right um, when you were one of the girls that they like to throw in the air certain size right. Um, when you were one of the girls that they like to throw in the air, right, and you know the cool tricks and stuff.

Kaila: 5:29

I was a flyer and my, my mom especially, and other people would really like, wow, you get to go up in the air and you're and you have to be small to do that and I felt a lot of pressure. It was. It was really fun, but it was a lot of pressure, yeah and um. Then in high school. So this was a more pivotal in high school, my junior year, I got my wisdom teeth out and um, I couldn't eat a lot during that time while I was healing for like two weeks. You know you're eating like smoothies and pudding, right.

Lily: 6:07

And you're just like a chipmunk and you're just like, yeah, it's the worst.

Kaila: 6:11

Yes, it was awful so, but in that time I lost a lot of weight and I realized, okay, if I don't eat, then I lose, I get smaller. Realized, okay, if I don't eat, then I lose, I get smaller. And so that was the. That was like the beginning of an eating disorder for me, and I lost like 10 to 15 pounds in high school. So, it was like cause I was doing cheer and track, and so I was exercising constantly.

Kaila: 6:45

I was eating very little and then I would go to the gym. If I felt like I ate too much that day, I would go to the gym and exercise more and it was pretty intense and so I was pretty miserable in this time, like outwardly I didn't seem so miserable. I think from the outside people would look at me and think that I had it put together.

Lily: 7:19

I was going to say from someone who I look up to you and I was like you're with upperclassmen.

Kaila: 7:23

She's so cool, all the boys love her'm so jealous like I do remember being like kayla is so cool, oh and you know what, internally, though like internally I was, I was shriveling, like, just right, my self-esteem was so low and I was, I was miserable, but I wanted to, to not appear that way, right, um and so, but I would I would receive a lot of praise of like oh you're, you're, you're so pretty, you're so fast, you're so cool I don't know just all the things that it reinforced that like okay, I'm doing this, right, this is how I am loved, right, like my outward appearance, my outward abilities, that's the way that I am loved, and I really believe that. And all through my adolescence, I had a really pretty weak testimony, and I think part of that was because so much of my focus was on my physical, like outward things. I didn't really work on inward, yeah, like my testimony, or my, um, my connection with God or really others. I didn't really go to church.

Lily: 8:51

Right, well, I feel like your focus is elsewhere, right Totally. Like as someone who it's funny you're bringing this up because in high school I also had eating disorders and all of that kind of stuff.

Lily: 9:01

And that was something I was having. I took years to heal right and all of that kind of stuff, and that was something I was having. I took years to heal right, and so I know the feeling of constantly looking at yourself, constantly thinking, okay, what's the next, If I eat this at this time, then I can do this. And okay, well, I've got to go to the gym and I'm listening to my playlist at the gym and okay, well, I'm going to talk to all these friends. But while they're talking to me, I'm like low key, thinking about what do they think of me? How do they think I look like? Does this look okay?

Kaila: 9:24

like, like all of these, all these thoughts.

Lily: 9:26

You're literally swamped. You can't you can't. It's so hard for the spirit to even like kind of come in and be like, hey, I'm here, when you're constantly thinking about like what are others thinking of me? What do I?

Kaila: 9:38

think of myself.

Lily: 9:39

Oh my gosh, I don't like this. Oh my gosh, I'm actually really hungry.

Kaila: 9:41

But I can't be hungry because if I'm hungry, then that means I need to eat and I don't want to eat and I don't want to eat right, and it just is like a constant like um yes, I could, I could go on yes, oh yeah, it's the whole subject in itself, right where it's just and yes, you're right like the spirit can't come in, when your thoughts are just like going 100 miles an hour on things that really don't ultimately matter, but it feels like they matter.

Lily: 10:08

They matter especially in high school, when you're young and vulnerable and impressionable.

Kaila: 10:13

Absolutely yes, and so I feel like and and I was really I just didn't really want to develop a relationship with God. I didn't have a huge interest in it and I got to a point where I didn't really think he existed. It was just kind of like that's like way out there. I'm not going to deal with that or think about it really. Um, and then I graduated high school and I had some good influences that pointed me toward Christ. Um, and I feel like that was that was influential for me at the time. Enough to um. I started to read my scriptures and for the time, I felt like I was really talking to God and I was beginning on the path to conversion. But it was a really it was a small little sprout.

Kaila: 11:20

We were still really weak and I didn't have a grasp on who I am as a daughter of God. But at this point in my life, god was inviting me to him. He would say, the easy way, the nice way, like you have some good friends and you have some good influences and they were pushing me to to do good. And I felt like I was, I was starting to, to feel his love, um, and. But Satan still had a pretty tight grip on me, uh, in my body, shame and the beliefs that I had that my body was so connected to my ability to be loved. That was really deeply rooted in me, told me and still tried to tell me is that lust is love, lust equals love and that if someone admires my body, I'm loved. And still, to this day, it's my biggest internal challenge.

Kaila: 12:34

And so, believing this lie about lust, I started dating more. So this is after I graduated and I started dating more seriously and I ended up attracting men who also believed that lust is love and I wanted to be less than. Therefore, uh, yeah, attracted, attracted men wanted to be to lust me. And so, um, soon after I turned 20, I got pregnant out of wedlock and obviously that was a big shift for me where I was like, okay, wow, this is a big turning point for me and the father and I fully believed that we were in love, but we kind of forgot about God. Obviously, I feel like when you're you're, you're making choices that lead you away from God. You are, you just keep kind of falling at least I that I kind of followed that path back away from God and I disregarded warnings from other people and I really believe, like we are, like we're making poor choices, but we are, we are in love you know, right, right, well.

Lily: 13:58

And it's hard because if you have those mental thought patterns that you've been working on year after year, year after year, and you're still maybe even getting positive affirmations from the person that you're with, you know, the man who's telling you oh yeah, I love you so much, even though you know it's it's not love then, of course you're going to be kind of I don't want to say blinded, but your, your brain, is going to be a little confused and kind of like whoa, I'm feeling this, but this, but there's this, but yeah, the red flags, but nah, not really.

Lily: 14:25

Like he says he loves me, like I feel like there's so much opportunity for you to give yourself grace in those situations.

Kaila: 14:33

Totally, totally, and that cause I get I. It makes sense of all of the things that.

Kaila: 14:39

that I mean you start so young and then it, and then you end, and then you end up in relationships that just are not rooted in what real love actually is, because I wasn't really taught what real love was like Exactly I just thought like yeah, like all the feelings of you want to be close to me and you tell me all the things I wanted to hear you know Right me, and you tell me all the all the things I wanted to hear you know right and um, but ultimately I've figured out now that real love you, real love involves God right and so when, when he's not, or when you're, you're sinning together and you're not repentant of that, then it's hard to really, because if you love someone, you're going to point them to Christ, right, and um, that's a.

Kaila: 15:32

That was a big, has been a big lesson for me. Um, yeah, um. So a few months into my pregnancy, um, the father of our baby and I decided to get married, um, and we were gonna make it work. We were like this is great, like it's not ideal, but we're gonna make it work. And um, the anticipation of becoming a new mom kind of took over for a while and it was a distraction for me, I would say, and I didn't think, I mean, I didn't focus on God, I was just like we are, we created life, we're together we're going to be new parents.

Lily: 16:21

We have a positive slope. Let's just keep this kind of like that, yeah, that's how it felt.

Kaila: 16:28

It it did, yeah, yes and um, but as the months went by and the lust in my relationship with my husband started to dissipate and fade and we became pretty distant and so, um, because lust isn't love it didn't last and he was always on his computer and on his phone and wanting to be with his friends and I felt really alone, like this positive slope like you were saying, just felt like it, it, it peaked and then we're going downhill and I, I, yeah, I started to feel really alone and I feel like this is where the shift kind of started for me, where I was like, okay, wait, life's not so comfortable anymore. I was making it happen, I was making it work, but it's not so comfortable anymore. I was making it happen, I was making it work but, it's not.

Kaila: 17:26

It's not feeling like it's it's working anymore and, yeah, it shifted from I don't need God, I'm doing good to wait a second. I'm uncomfortable. What's going on? And the real I think the real journey began here, where it started to get uncomfortable. Um so, when our baby was three months old, I was feeling really alone.

Lily: 17:53

I.

Kaila: 17:54

I would spend time just on my bed by myself, like waiting for him to be done, watching a football game, or you know. Just, he always seemed like he wanted to be elsewhere, which, right, yeah, I just felt really alone. So, um, I was confused and, um, it wasn't everything that I thought it was like marriage was supposed to be. And, um, that is when I found out that my husband actually had a pornography addiction, and I had no idea at that time what that meant or what that entailed, or how that affected my marriage or how it would affect me as his wife. At the time I was so young I was only 21 or 22, yeah, um, so I was super naive of the situation on the subject and it's, um, I just knew that I was devastated. It was devastating, right.

Kaila: 18:57

And um, as I learned and asked questions and dove in a little deeper, I realized that, ultimately, infidelity had happened in my marriage, which to me is like well, obviously, but that sometimes it doesn't feel so obvious. And I'm three months postpartum and it was. I felt like, well, maybe, I mean, I had so many thoughts, right, I was like, well, maybe it's because my body changed, like that's why he doesn't love me anymore. So I mean, I just picked up right where I left off. I controlled again with not eating. I was like, okay, well, I guess I just need to be really little again and he'll love me again like we can, you're like I'm familiar with this, I know exactly what to do.

Kaila: 19:49

I can fix this with my body all right, like I it I mean I went lost, like mentally and physically it was detrimental. And I had this. I had my tiny little baby that I feel like I couldn't take care of, I didn't have the energy to take care of, I was not sleeping. It was really intense and I think the thing that really shifts, or makes the shift for me, is the times that I'm sitting in the actual pain of what the experience causes. Because for me, this kind of pain, it's not just like I'm gonna let a few tears slip and it's I'm gonna cry for a minute.

Kaila: 20:53

It's like the wailing and gnashing of teeth that you talk about, like gripping, gripping anything that you can about. Like ripping, gripping anything that you can to feel like your whole soul is not going to rip apart. Yeah, um, and it. I had to get to this point because I didn't realize that the amount of lust, lustful experiences that I had, or the lustful ideas that I had about my body, I didn't even realize that that was really pride or that was a block for me from God.

Kaila: 21:34

It was just like I had to really be woken up, you know.

Lily: 21:38

Well, and if that's all you know, like, how do you know differently? Like you, really you don't. So you know differently? Like it, you really you don't, so you're having to not only like hit this point, but you're having to completely change years of thoughts and learn behavior, which is? You ask anybody?

Kaila: 21:54

it's not easy realize that you have right, and it could be because it starts so young. It's so it doesn't it? Yeah, doesn't feel like a problem. It doesn't seem like it's something that I need to even look at or change Like right, it's ingrained.

Kaila: 22:11

Totally, and it's just reality for me. Um, I yeah. So even during this time I didn't understand that what my pride was. I just knew that I I needed some help. Like I needed to figure this out about my husband's pornography addiction. I wanted him to just fix it. It was like, okay, well, this is kind of what we're saying, like I wanted him to just fix it. This is very much his problem, like I don't have a problem because I, I just don't right, I'm totally I've made myself.

Lily: 23:07

I've made myself so lovable like right and I've made myself available and all of these things like.

Kaila: 23:13

I'm I'm quote-unquote beautiful, I'm faithful, I am. You know, it's not to love what's not to love exactly, which is like so naive, but I was but it, but it I was young and right anyway. So it was very much I felt like, yeah, very much his problem and um so. But we started therapy and I, um, I didn't understand they kept you you need to figure out, you know your part in in this and I was like I don't again, I don't have?

Kaila: 23:48

I don't know what you're talking about. This is, this is him, um. But then over time, while we were in therapy, um, I got more comfortable because I'm not in like like. I was like, okay, he's fixing himself, quote-unquote, and I am going to therapy and we're getting support and going good again.

Kaila: 24:13

I'm not feeling the really detrimental, painful experience anymore, and old habits come back and I felt like I was starting to feel really alone again and, um, we were distancing again and, um, I didn't want to rock the boat, so to speak. I didn't want to be like hey, like maybe we should, you know, go to church more often and maybe we should read our scriptures and things that I knew would help me and had helped me in the past. Um, at times, right, and the times on that when I felt most at peace, um, and I felt like the holy ghost was saying you are headed for danger and you're going the wrong way. So, but I was, but I would. Again, I was too scared to like to the boat. I didn't want to make him mad. He would show up in a way that was very angry most of the time.

Kaila: 25:29

When I did that, right, it took me about eight months and hearing about my husband's relapses and realizing I needed to really actually figure out what they kept saying my art, what's my part in this? I needed less. I needed my body, I needed him, I needed the outward things to make me happy, to bring my life joy, to make my life feel comfortable, right, and it wasn't working, and I didn't get why it wasn't working. Yeah, and I couldn't even really verbalize that either at that time. I didn't even really understand that, even that concept. I just knew that I fell out of control and I felt like, and I knew that I wasn't happy right and um.

Kaila: 26:30

So it took me about, um, yeah, eight months of hearing about relapses and um, and it took me that long to really be like, okay, I'm doing this. So, um, the pain I think it's because the pain comes back up and it became unbearable and um, and in therapy, that's when I started to figure out okay, what can I control? What is, what is it? How did I get to this point, basically? And that's where I figured out that I was raised to attempt to control my world with my body and people pleasing, my world with my body and people pleasing, and, and that's when I had to get out of my just my. But I had to look inward. I had to get out of just my what I was so used to, how I was so used to controlling everything. I had to look inward and I had to address I actually, oh, I actually have low self-esteem. I actually like don't really know who I am.

Kaila: 27:48

And that was kind of shocking a little bit.

Lily: 27:51

It's hard because you don't realize these things until you really have to look at yourself and at least for me, like I didn't even look at, I'd never look at myself in a mirror, like that is just.

Lily: 28:02

and when you do that it's scary and it's hard, and you it's such new territory that you don't even know what to do or where to go and it brings up a whole, a whole other bunch of emotions that you're like oh well, now I have to confront these too exactly, exactly, just like I felt like I was peeling the onion of myself and you're an ogre, you have layers.

Kaila: 28:27

Yes, I have so many layers and it. It's funny because logically it's like, well, yeah, obviously, but for me being raised so surfacy, where I just had the one surface and that's how my world was like, peeling back the onion, like that would feel so vulnerable for me and really, um, really scary and um, I had to to re relearn the lies about what I learned, about how important, you know, my, my body is to to my experiences and it really just doesn't. But I, but I really believe that it did and it still sometimes feels like it does. It is, it is a thing in this world right now and probably all the time, but just appearance and lust and that's how.

Kaila: 29:25

That's how satan is working on us. It attacks, uh, everything and um, so I was learning, I guess ultimately, it's how, how the devil was deceiving me personally, because he deceives us all in different ways and for me, that was my biggest one. I, it was, it's like Satan's flavor, I think of that. That I that I was using and um, but I started to to find my worth as a daughter of God and I dove into my scriptures and talks and devotionals and really I had to learn who God is in order to learn. I mean, obviously, how can we understand who we are as children of God if we don't know who God is? So I had to start there how can we understand who we are as children of God if we don't know who God is?

Lily: 30:23

Exactly.

Kaila: 30:25

So I had to start there, I had to figure out who God is and I, I remember, I would just I mean, the lake is still my, I've lived around the lake my my whole life At least it feels that way and and so I would go, the lake is my, my peaceful place and I would go there and I would just sit and I would wait just to see if I could feel his presence. Or, you know, I would pray and I did, but in those times, especially where I felt like he really was there just sitting on the dock next to me and I was having a conversation with a friend, and obviously he's not there talking back, but I could feel answers to my questions, or I could feel just a piece, yeah, and in figuring out who he is, then I felt like, okay, I am actually, like I am his daughter and.

Kaila: 31:36

I it, I don't it eventually just clicked for me where I was like that felt more important to me than my outward appearance. That felt more important to me than trying to be accepted or be cool or be you know all these different outward things. It felt like, okay, if I know how divine I am without all of those things, they really don't hold a lot of weight. Right, and one of my favorite devotionals and it will probably always be my favorite, it's by Elder Holland. He gave it in 1988.

Lily: 32:27

It's called Of Soul Symbols and Sacramentsents I don't know if you've ever heard of it. I love that one. Do you love that? It's amazing. Yes, I actually have listened to that one hear it.

Kaila: 32:36

yeah, every person needs to hear it. It is the most beautiful, pointed, most I mean it's because not only is it it's talking about sexual sin and lust, but it really hits on how divine and important each person soul, spirit, body is Right. And one quote where he says he says one of the plain and precious truths restored to this dispensation is that the spirit and the body are the soul of man and that when the spirit and body are separated, men and women cannot receive a fullness of joy.

Kaila: 33:27

It really rang true to me because I focused so much on my body and kind of just left my spirit high and dry, like very very undeveloped, so my whole soul was not being developed, it was just one part of it, correct, and I was very much in my natural man state, you know, and, and so realizing that, okay, I need to feed my soul, so that's not just my body and I actually need to, I actually need to feed my body. You know what I mean. Like right, you know so. Like, yeah, sure, I focused on my body, but like I focused on it in the wrong way, right, right and what does it?

Lily: 34:14

actually mean to care for your body for your body that doesn't look nice or making my skin look nice. It truly is like good nutrition and being outside and moving your body and in a way that's embodying and you're rejoicing in your capabilities of your body, but not in like a oh yeah, everybody, look at me, it's like no not in a prideful or shameful way and I feel like that's where the scales tip, where it's like you're either connected to the truth right of of you know who you are, or you're like feeling better than somebody, or you're feeling less than somebody.

Kaila: 34:52

Right and so to find the balance of like, what is actually what's feeding my spirit and what's feeding my body, and and collectively, together, I will be able to be the closest to god that I can, because I'm taking care of all of me in in the way that they need to be cared for right and it's like you said, like we don't, it's so much more than just how we organize our bodies, like there was somebody who once told me she was like we spend so much time organizing our quote-unquote dust.

Kaila: 35:33

You know, like our bodies are dust.

Lily: 35:35

Some people just spend their whole lives organizing their dust and then and then and then bodies too, to be strong between our bodies and our spirits, right exactly yes, um, so I.

Kaila: 36:08

So, after two years of walking this path, of like figuring all this out, um, and I'm I'm still learning this stuff, but I'm I felt like at this point, um, I'm walking this path toward Christ and I I realized after two years that my husband wasn't, he wasn't coming with me on this journey. He did not choose that, and that was. That was another thing in itself where I was like, okay, this is. I was really tested in putting my full trust in God and giving everything up. And giving everything up. I sold my house, I sold my dog, I sold most of my things. My marriage ended and it was devastating.

Kaila: 37:11

Once again, another, just kind of blow and consequence to the choices that I had made, and not I don't say that in like a shameful way of like I was dumb and chose this horrible path for myself. It's more just, um, because I was deceived as a child and naturally my choices led me to this point and I had, I did have chances to turn towards Christ in the quote-unquote easy way and I just didn't. So, um, so this was another consequence for me and it was good for me in that I had to really put my full yeah, my full trust in God in taking care of me and my little two-year-old at this point yeah um, and it was scary.

Kaila: 38:06

I am back at ground zero and but I have responsibilities and I didn't have like a lot of schooling. I just didn't really know what I was going to do.

Kaila: 38:16

So I did a lot of praying and a lot of um, I mean I really wanted to do it. Quote, unquote, right, then you know I wanted because because the pain, the reminder of the pain, I think it's really important when you've been through something kind of traumatic like that, it's really important to not constantly live in the pain of it but to um, remember. It is really important because if you don't remember it, it's really easy to fall back into old habits, and which is interesting because I would think you don't want the pain again, so why, do you go back to the old habits?

Lily: 39:01

right, like that's something I've had with my own personal things, but it's true. It's like we just we just go back to what we're used to, whether or not it causes pain, and then we're in pain and we're like, why am I in pain?

Kaila: 39:10

and then we're like, oh, wait a second oh wait, this is why I've already done this before. I know it's. It's that, it's that pride cycle. I feel like it gets us and um and I, I feel like. I feel like I was, I was, I was at the point where I, I was. I was severely humbled at that point, severely humbled, and it felt like because even now, stepping out of that, I feel like you get wrapped up in all my, my house needs to look beautiful and my, I don't know, I want all these nice clothes, right.

Lily: 39:55

My kid needs to look cute. I don't want my kid to look cute.

Kaila: 39:58

Yeah, my kid needs to look cute. Exactly my kid needs to look cute. And I got to do all these extra curricular things and I got to keep up with the Joneses and, oh my goodness, at that point in my life especially I was like it just doesn't matter. Point in my life especially I was like it just doesn't matter. Yeah, it really truly doesn't matter. Um, because at the end of the day, when it all gets left behind or you have to give it all up, yep, it's just dust.

Kaila: 40:28

It is just dust. It, that's exactly right, it is just dust. And I have on my wall hanging up right now, and because it's a good reminder for me of where I was and how much it's important to trust God, there's a song I don't know if you know the song, but this song is called Oceans. I think it's by various artists, but I know this song yeah, oh, it's the walking on water.

Kaila: 41:09

It is one of my very favorites and the quote that he sings, um over and over. Or she says spirit, lead me where my trust is, without borders. Let me walk upon the waters wherever you would call me. Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander and my faith will be made stronger in the presence of my savior. I would listen to that over and over and over. I was like I need strength and I felt like things just kind of fell into place for me. I know he was holding my hand the whole time, he was clearing me and I was guided and um. I was guided and um, and I had to remember. But I had to remember him in every step that I took because if I didn't, I and I just trusted myself again I would make choices that started to go back to you know, old habits like we talked about, and and I feel like I've learned since then that I really I need him every hour of the day, like the song, like I truly need him every hour. It's not just day.

Kaila: 42:34

Like the song, like I truly need him every hour, it's not just on Sundays and it's not just once a day for the 10 minutes that I decide to read my scriptures right um, I need him in everything that I do and I've had to learn this too because it gets you get comfortable, even in just um where, where we're just the, the Sunday, where we're just the, we do the right things. Quote, unquote. We do the right things, but we're our hearts are not there correct and um and so when my heart is pointing towards Christ, or I'm feeling him, or I'm working on my relationship with him and not just a check box right of like, well, I'm doing all the right things, but I have to remember that that relationship is really what guides me yes, and has guided me out of out of that situation and and led me to to knowing who I am.

Kaila: 43:45

And ultimately, I learned, too, that I need to fear God more than man, and I've had to care more about what God thinks than what other people think yeah and the scripture second Nephi 18, 13, sanctify.

Kaila: 44:10

I actually read this like yesterday and I was like, oh, this is like really what I've been, what I've been thinking about, but it says sanctify the Lord of hosts himself and let him be your fear and let him be your dread, which sounds sad, honestly when you first read it you're like let him be your fear and dread like that's not what he and dread like that's not what he.

Kaila: 44:32

But to me that's like I mean it. It's that we it. Well, we care more about what he thinks than what people think, and that's ultimately, I mean my, to put it in really basic terms, what I had to learn to just be who I am as a daughter of God, and after that, not a lot really truly matters.

Lily: 45:07

Which you know for the record is still easier said than done.

Kaila: 45:14

Absolutely. Oh, oh, my goodness, like I said, right, like in the beginning, it's like I said in the beginning I have not arrived I do not know at all and I'm still, I am still trying to, to remember these things every single day.

Kaila: 45:30

And, um, you know the pride cycle, if there's, if, if I start to get to get to feel prideful again, which has happened many times in my life um, I get, I get a little dose of pain or a big dose of pain, yeah, and I'm like, okay, whatever it is, it's gonna be bigger. Yeah, the prick or the beating, whatever it is, yeah, it's gonna come and we get to choose. You know what are we gonna do with that?

Lily: 46:00

right so yeah, that's so cool, well, and so I know for me in in my journey through learning very similar things as as you of what the soul actually is and where my true worth comes from I know. So I have two daughters and. I know that that has also really kind of shaped and kind of motivated me to become better um and so I can teach them. So I know you, I know you have. You have still only one daughter right, or any two boys I have two.

Kaila: 46:39

I have one son and two daughters okay, two daughters, okay.

Lily: 46:42

So how do you feel like after these experiences that you've had? How has that influenced your parenting and the way that you try and I don't know communicate these to your children like and boys for the record. Boys need to know this too. I just know absolutely. I am a girl and so I can really I can relate to that, that part of it yeah, but how do you feel like this is now shaping the way that you interact with your children?

Lily: 47:10

so that they hopefully won't have to learn the hard way like you and I have.

Kaila: 47:14

Obviously had to learn. Oh, my goodness, yes, that's been a huge focus for me. My daughter, my oldest daughter well, my youngest daughter is seven months, so this will come, but my oldest daughter is now nine and she's already expressed things like things like, mom, my stomach is too big, or my you know. Really, just when I hear her say, it is devastating and I have, I just like, if it were when I was little, I would have gotten yeah, you should probably eat less cereal. You know, that's what I would have heard.

Kaila: 47:49

Um, but as a but, as a mom now learning what I've learned, I just tell her the. What I know is that she, like she is beautiful. I tell her that she is beautiful and that she is so much more than a body. And the world likes to label us and label certain things as attractive or unattractive and, at the end of the day, like you are I mean I, I say it pretty much how I said it to you or like you are a, you are a soul, your value come from. You know the shape of your body.

Lily: 48:33

Right.

Kaila: 48:33

And I, and to be able to have an open dialogue too with her, because she needs to know that she can have a safe place with me to come and talk to me about things like that, because Satan likes to say me to come and talk to me about things like that, because Satan likes to say you know the those, those sensitive topics.

Kaila: 48:55

Satan's like yeah, don't talk to anybody about that, because that's that's really vulnerable, like that's not something that you need to talk about, that's good that you're just just know that your, your stomach is too big, like. But but I like, I like to try and keep an open dialogue with her and to I just try not to focus on, you know, physical stuff too much, because it really impacted me so much right and honing in on her where her work comes from, you know, and I think sometimes she's like, yeah, but like the disney princesses, like that is ideal.

Kaila: 49:38

You know it's like, well, that again, like that is what the world is going to tell you everywhere, that this is the ideal yeah but ask god what the ideal is, and he will tell you right, right and and and and I'm you know I'm responsible to guide her too, but ultimately we all have to figure it out and she'll still probably have to learn hard for sure, which is but hopefully, hopefully, not in the way that I did, and if it's, and if it's, that's the case, that's the case. But right um, I already feel like, just in the conversations that I've had with her, in the open dialogue that we have, yeah she's already leaps and bounds farther than I ever was, even as, like a young, good job, mama that's where it needs to be.

Kaila: 50:30

Which is, I mean, she's just really receptive. So I but I see it. I mean, the kids battle it and she still battles it. She will battle it as a young girl in this day and age, and boys, my I mean my son's going to be going to be exposed to it too, right?

Lily: 50:53

It's not going to be Disney princesses, it's going to be Flynn Rider, exactly.

Kaila: 50:57

Exactly, totally, totally, and we all. Comparison is, I mean, a comparison is another form of lust, but that's, it's everywhere and it's hard not to do.

Lily: 51:17

So then, if I want to ask one more question that I'm curious about.

Kaila: 51:21

Totally I love it.

Lily: 51:23

What are some methods or things that you personally have put into place in order to build up and rewire your brain?

Lily: 51:35

Because I know for me, I chose years ago that I am just not going to listen to certain kinds of music, because I realized when I listen to certain kinds of music it made me think more about my body or it made me think you know X, x, y or z thing that was not good for me. So what things have you personally done to put into place to kind of help keep you facing the correct way?

Kaila: 52:03

yeah, so I think what you're talking about is what I would call boundaries.

Lily: 52:08

So I.

Kaila: 52:10

Yes, that is exactly what I'm talking about. In my therapy words. Boundaries are really important to me, huge, but I had to. Before I set boundaries in place, I had to understand what my shame was Like, the things that I felt like. Like the things that I felt like once again, the ways that Satan talked to me were my quote unquote shame messages, things that that I really believed, like, for example, my body is my worth.

Kaila: 52:44

I am not enough if my body is not X, y and Z. So that was my biggest shame message and so I had to identify all, and I'm still identifying them. Yeah, but I work on identifying the ways that satan is lying to me and the ways that and what they sound like for me specifically yeah and then I set into place. You know boundaries, like you know certain music that I I mean, I'm the same way music and media are huge and I hardly.

Kaila: 53:21

At this point I hardly even watch movies, me too. Um, I hardly. There's not a lot of music even that I love anymore. I agree, I listen to. I listen to a lot of music even that I love anymore.

Kaila: 53:34

I listen to a lot of I try and keep it uplifting and then things that keep me safe as far as, like, my behaviors, like if I feel afraid or I feel like I need to control things that I can't control in my life, that those are like big things for me, I turn. I turn to God and I I I also don't this is recent, but I don't get on any social media anymore.

Kaila: 54:11

That's one of the biggest boundaries for me, I guess, uh, physical boundaries it is yeah, social media has been so destructive for me and I know that and I've identified it and so it is gone. Good for you, that's awesome. No Instagram and that's extremely recent. So no Instagram, no Facebook, none of that. There's so much. There's so much temptation for me to compare and right um, and there's just a lot of it.

Kaila: 54:42

It numbs you and it's numbed me, and I feel like in the last few years, I've fallen into a lot of behaviors that I did 10 years ago where, um, it's just not healthy for me.

Kaila: 54:54

And so to identify the things that are leading you away from Christ and then to identify the things that will lead you closer to him and to set those boundaries. And I, sometimes I'm better at it than other times, but, um, in that pride cycle, I feel like when I'm, if I am choosing pride, and then there's pain, and then I'm like, oh crap, okay, I really need to, I need to be more aware and and uh, yeah, boundaries they're very important, very, very important.

Lily: 55:32

Awesome, that's so cool. Well, do you have any other final thoughts before you just leave us with a testimony?

Kaila: 55:40

I don't think so. I think I can leave you with my testimony, though, that I know that the worth of every soul is great in the sight of God, and I know that we were born with every bit of worth that we will ever need, and that our job is to stay humble and open to God's plan for us, um, and I know that he has a deep love for every one of us and he's always there, ready to guide us through any challenge and any consequence, and fear and confusion and pain, and I know that true joy is not of the things of this world, but of the things of God, and I say that in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

Lily: 56:42

Amen Well, thank you for your time tonight. It was awesome.

Kaila: 56:49

Thank you for the opportunity tonight and it was, it was awesome, thank you for the opportunity.

Lily: 56:52

Thanks again for tuning into More Than Coincidence, Remembering Jesus Christ in your Story. Please follow us on social media or share us with a friend. If you have an experience you'd like to share, feel free to reach out to morethancoincidencerememberhim at gmailcom. I can't wait to hear all of the amazing memories you all have of our Savior. See you next time.