More than Coincidence: Remembering Jesus Christ in Your Story

From Fear to Faith with Madison

• Lily • Season 1 • Episode 5

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Have you ever found yourself lost in life's dramatic twists and turns, questioning your faith and purpose? Meet Madison, who walked that very path, only to find herself thrown into a whirlwind experience full of trials and triumphs. Her journey took her from college student to missionary, from battling anorexia to finding healing, and from fear to purpose. 

Madison's raw honesty about her struggle with anorexia during her mission in rural Canada paints a vivid picture that mental health matters, even in faith journeys. With the weight of her mission, her eating disorder, and depression bearing down on her, it was through the support of her mission companions, mission president, and a therapist that she started to heal. Her tale stands as a beacon of hope, reminding us that it's okay to seek help and that strength can be found even in our darkest hours.

But Madison's story doesn't end there. Amid the ongoing battle with her eating disorder, this courageous woman found a renewed sense of purpose and strength in her faith, scripture, and the members she visited during her mission. Her testimony is a testament to the power of faith and the enduring presence of Jesus Christ in our lives – offering hope, strength, and guidance even in our most challenging times. Join us on this emotional journey as we highlight Madison's personal growth and the essential role of Christ in her life.

Please reach out to me if you are interested in sharing your story! I would LOVE to hear from you. :)

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**Transcripts available on website!

Lily:

All right, good evening everybody. Today we have Madison on the podcast with us. Thanks for coming. Will you tell us a little bit about yourself?

Madison:

yourself. So my name is Madison. I am a UVU graduate, I studied film and now I am a stay-at-home mom to a seventh month old, and it's awesome because I get to just be on an adventure with him every day.

Lily:

That is awesome. I can hear him now. He's adorable, he's great, love him, he's awesome. Okay, so before we get started, I know that you did want me to mention that parts of your story do have elements of suicidal ideations, depression, anorexic behaviors, and then was there anything else that you wanted me to

Lily:

just briefly mention really quick? Just that? Okay. So just a trigger warning to anybody out there. But you can always skip the story if you still want to kind of hear a little bit more of like the testimony at the end. Feel free to skip to the end if you still want to hear that. So without further ado, I'll just say, Madison, what experiences or themes have you seen in your life that testify to you of our savior Jesus Christ?

Madison:

That is an awesome question. So for me personally, growing up I was really into young womens. I was super active in it and it wasn't really until I left home to start my first year of college at USU that I really started having to put in those practices for myself. So I was really good at going to church and stuff for the first couple of weeks and everything. And then awkward college drama and, to be honest, I just kind of stopped going out of that because I didn't want to, You know, see the guy who I was having awkward drama with.

Madison:

And I didn't go to church because I didn't want to see this guy.

Madison:

And after I did that, I started noticing that I was making changes in my life, that weren't bad changes, they weren't crazy but I noticed that I felt like something was missing. I remember coming home and coming into my dorm and my best friend was there, and my best friend is not a member of the church and she was just like "Madison, you need to go back to church. And I'm like what do you mean? And she was like well, one, you're happier and two, you, I don't know. You seem like you're, you're searching for something and you're not having it right now. And I remember being like, well, all right, and I guess, I guess, maybe I should go back to church. I mean, I guess that was not only affecting me and my choices my choices, what I was doing.

Madison:

And I thought about it that week and I was like okay, well, you know, I guess I'll just start next Sunday, right?

Madison:

that's all you can do, it's just all right. Well, maybe I'll go the next Sunday. Yeah, hopefully I won't see this guy and that'll be awkward. And so that week I was thinking a lot about getting back into church and I'm like, well, I haven't really been doing like the CTR right, or not CTR, the "CPR" church praying reading, right, I actually haven't even heard of that. Yeah, cpr church pray read, church pray read. Okay, we talk a lot about it as a missionary which I'll talk about later but I haven't been doing those basics things that you know kind of keep you grounded and kind of keep your testimony going, like those little day to day things. And I was like, well, maybe I just need like a really big spiritual experience to kind of like fill that well that I haven't been filling daily. And so this thought popped into my mind of maybe I'll go on a mission and I was like that's not the reason I should go on a mission to fill up the spiritual well that I should have been filling Otherwise.

Madison:

But after I thought that I remember that impression didn't leave my mind, I was like, hmm, okay, maybe I do need to go on a mission.

Lily:

Yeah.

Madison:

I just kept thinking about it and I was like, well, that's kind of silly, because I mean, I really like where I'm at right now, I'm roommates with my best friend in college, studying what I want, I'm having a lot of fun. You know minus boy drama. And I was like, okay, yeah, you know well, just see how it goes. And the next week after my friend told me to go back to church, I couldn't even remember what time my ward was meeting, So I was like "maybe it's 10. So I go at 10 or whatever time it was. So I go and I get there and the entire auditorium is completely packed and I was like do you have a special speaker going on today?

Lily:

Maybe there's something going on.

Madison:

And so the guy up front I don't recognize him and I'm like, "okay, maybe it's something special going on and I take a seat and literally as I sat down, he says for all you young women out there, if you are debating, going on a mission, this is your last sign and important context at this point, only a few years earlier, maybe a year or two earlier, they had changed the mission.

Madison:

And so it was a big thing, right? All these sisters were like, "do I go? Do I not? Do I stay? Like what do I do?" And this guy for his talk. He was saying, sisters, if you feel the need to go on a mission, go. The Lord has given you your signs. If you feel so prompted, go

Madison:

"But if the spirit's telling you listen and I just remember sitting by myself in this auditorium full of people and I'm like, "oh man, if that's what it is, I wonder what the next talk is gonna be. And then it was the closing prayer, and it .

Madison:

And then, uh, hymn ended, yeah, and a closing prayer. and I went back to my li ke" and my roommate was there and she's it go? You were back super fast, did you stay? Oh, did you see the guy? " I'm like nope, I was just told to go on a mission and she's like that checks out when you're gonna start your papers. She's so supportive.

Madison:

and so she's like "alright, like how do you even start your papers? And I'm like I don't know. But I guess I got a start and so, from there, started getting my papers in, everything. I told my mom about it. My mom was super gung-ho, yeah, about be going on a mission, put the papers in. And it was one of those things where it was like alright, like I was more excited to see where I would get called and Like to see what exotic place I was going to right?

Madison:

I'm like will it be somewhere Like foreign speaking? Is there gonna be a beach? Like, the super, totally superficial reasons to go on a mission. nothing, like I'm super excited for all the people and jesus, the biggest reason to go tell people about him. right? yeah, no, unfortunately, that was not me. But as I got closer, I was thinking more about it and and again my best friend, not a member, was like "Wait, are you going to church today? I thought your word was at this time oh, okay, do you hear? Oh, I don't want to listen to you play conference, but conferences today. And so she would remind me.

Madison:

I think I was starting to get spiritually prepared and it was really good that she was there to have that support, and so that I could start getting things going. And so after that, after the semester ended I decided okay, this is happening.

Madison:

I gotta buckle down. I had received my mission call. I was not going somewhere exotic, I was going to central Canada, and for those of you who are not familiar with central Canada, where I was going, I was going to the plains. so Extremely different from Utah, it's really flat. You feel so exposed and it's so cold in the winters. The summers are but so, so cold in the winters. And so I got my call.

Madison:

I went to the MTC. Mtc went great and I Was super excited to go into the mission field. And when I got there, I was paired with my trainer. And so, for those of you who are unfamiliar with Missions in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, for the first 12 weeks that you're a missionary, you are assigned a trainer, and so this trainer it helps you to learn the lessons that you're gonna teach people. So you have your core lessons, things like what is the gospel of Jesus Christ, the restoration of the gospel, like how all those things work, and they take you under their wing. And so my trainer she was Amazing, she was super patient, she was so excited to be there and share the word and to get things going.

Madison:

Yeah, she was awesome. And after like the initial fun part of oh I'm somewhere new, this is gonna be great had worn off when I had to like Go, start knocking on doors and start talking to people.

Lily:

That's when it really sunk in, like, this is real.

Madison:

I am here to share stuff with people.

Lily:

I'm not here to vacation.

Madison:

It's not a vacation, it's not. And yeah, because the MTC kind of felt like that summer camp feel.

Lily:

I haven't been able to serve a mission myself, but From a lot of people I've talked to, they say that when you're at the MTC it's like a spiritual high you kind of coast, and ride that until you get into the field and the you drop completely.

Madison:

Because it's so true. because you just feel so good and they build you up and you're like "here we go. And then you get there and you're like Okay, all these people, I don't know, and depending on where you are, the people will or won't like you, and that's just kind of how it goes. And I happen to be going during a very interesting political election for the US and it was two candidates who were going head-to-head, and Canada did not like either of those candidates. And also, by default, there was a lot of kind of interesting feelings towards the missionaries, because a lot of them were American right, a lot of them were from Utah, right, and so there was a lot of distaste because they're like why would you let these people get so far to rule your country? And we're like I'm not associated. I just finished my freshman year and yeah.

Madison:

So the first week was rough because everything is starting to sink in. You're in a whole new place spiritual high is gone, you don't know what you're doing. and you are messing up because you think you know where things are in the Book of Mormon, or you think you know, like, what happened. And then people have questions and you're like, "how do I explain what it feels like after I've repented? How do you? How do you? How do? You describe that right and explain it, and I would.

Lily:

It was rough then, where you were serving? Because I'm kind of familiar with some of the areas that you served in, but was your first area the really rural area too? because you would have felt probably pretty isolated if it was just you and your sister, like your companion, and then if there happened to be another missionary,

Madison:

Yeah so We were in a podunk town in Canada. We were about an hour away from the capital of that province, but there was no one out there. There was trailer parks, there was no one. The town was super small. Everybody knew each other and you know, it got to a point where we we had cars on our mission for the winter, but I got there during the summer and so we walked everywhere. We were doing a lot of walking, a lot of physical activity.

Madison:

My bag that I had- weighed about maybe 20 pounds, because I was carrying extra book of Mormons, extra pamphlets, whatever to give to people and if you don't give them to people, by the end of the day you're carrying around 20 pounds and that's when I realized that other choices that I had made before my mission had started to catch up with me.

Madison:

So about seven years prior to going on my mission, I had slowly come to realize I was anorexic. It had started maybe like late elementary school, started around sixth grade, and from there I just developed a horrible eating disorder. I would really only eat one meal a day, and that was when people were watching. Other than that, I would just take a really light snacks through the day, and I would sleep in order to cope with the effects of the energy loss and everything with that comes with it.

Madison:

and when I was on my mission, I didn't have that opportunity.

Madison:

I didn't have that opportunity to go and take a nap because you're going and so the mix of the heavy bag, plus walking all day, plus lack of food, it hit like a train. And I remember that I was having a really hard time with companion study and personal study, because when your body's not getting the nutrients that it needs, your brain will not function properly. So it's not unusual for individuals who deal with eating disorders to become depressed, become anxious, because your body is not having the nutrients it needs in order to sustain itself mentally or physically, and so I became very depressed. During my companion study, my trainer would just sit on the couch and say "what do you need? Because we can't plan a lesson or anything until you're okay, and we did that more often than not.

Madison:

It was really hard and it got to a point where my parents were contacted to say, "hey, she's really struggling. My mission president was like we would love to either like have her do therapy, because I feel like she's I feel like she's a really great missionary and she can do all this stuff, but she just she needs help, a little bit of extra right. And, like I had mentioned, this had been going on for a long time, and I remember being on the Skype call with my parents, telling them that this was the reason why I'd called them. Because I don't know if my mission president told them beforehand, and I just remember telling my parents. So I'm anorexic, I haven't been eating and that's why I'm calling you, and I remember my mom. I love her so much, but she told me "you need to stop lying to your mission president and you need to stop lying to your companion and you need to get to work. If not, then you just need to come home and we can find a place.

Madison:

My dad was in the military and they're like "they have programs for teen and not teens but like young adults that we can get through military and you can go and do this. And she said, we'll play that game of chicken. You can either stay on your mission or you can come home. And I just remember crying. I don't even remember what I said to her, but I just remember just feeling so lost. I was in somewhere I didn't know. My parents didn't believe me. I didn't know what to do, I didn't know how to move forward. I didn't know how to fix things where they were, and so my companion was there in the room. I had asked her to be there because I had a feeling it was going to go that direction. And she just hugged me and she said all right, well, we'll figure out what you want to do.

Madison:

And so, with her and my mission president, I didn't want to go home and we decided that therapy would be great, so that I would meet with a therapist once a week and start figuring out how do I fix this eating disorder. And it was so rough, because doing something like that for so long it's a very hard habit to break. It's so hard, and food is something that you see every day and you can't get away from it. There's nothing you can't do about it, and especially now that I knew my companion was watching me, I felt so conflicted because what I would do is just have my bag and I would put about five granola bars in there and I would eat my five granola bars through the day and they were just little quaker granola bars.

Madison:

And then if I had a member meal that night, that is what I would eat. If not, I would have half of a like pasta side and that was my daily meal. So working through that was difficult, while at the same time trying to catch up spiritually from where I left off from when I left college. And it got to a point where I was just sobbing. Every single time that my companion and I got in the car I was hoping that someone would crash into my side of the car and that my companion would be able to walk away, but that something would take me out. Every single time I got in the car without fail and it was horrible. And with that the only resources that I really had that were helping, I mean, was therapy, and then my companion was awesome.

Madison:

But at that point my mission was having a mission-wide study of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. So each missionary was asked to get a blank book of Mormon and highlight anything that had mentioned Jesus Christ, the Atonement of Jesus Christ, his enabling love and we were asked to highlight, in different colors, different portions of the Atonement. And it wasn't until then that I really started feeling like there were different parts of it and that Christ was someone who was more complex than just "He's your Savior. Whatever sins you have, it's covered. And we had been doing that study for maybe like a week or two and again things weren't lightening up quickly. I was still very much so in the midst of my eating disorder and everything just seemed really dark for a while.

Madison:

But there was one day where I got up to say my morning prayers and I just remember just feeling loved and just that feeling of my Savior just saying "I love you. It didn't matter what accomplishments I had, it didn't matter what I had done or not done thus far on my mission, before the prep, anything. I just remember just kneeling at my bed and just feeling like someone cared about me and not like I was a problem to solve. And that was really the one thing that I really remember of that first part of being trained on my mission. It was that love.

Madison:

And then I remember just trying to hold on to that and I wrote it down in my journal. And I remember just when people would ask me questions I would be able to share that experience that they were loved. Because I felt that love. And if it can be for me, who's someone who's messed up on a bunch of stuff, why can't it be for someone else? Because that love didn't have any strings attached. It was there and it wasn't going anywhere. I could have baptized 10 million people on my

Madison:

That love wouldn't have changed if I baptized no one, and I was doing really well with my trainer... Every six weeks had ended and so transfers on a mission you can either change companions, change areas, maybe stay the same, but changes happen every six weeks. So my first trainer got switched, got changed to a new area and I got a new trainer and that was incredibly rough. That trainer and I didn't really get along. We both were dealing with really heavy medical issues and with that there's emotional and mental strain that comes with medical issues for both of us Correct and it kind of exploded. It did not go well but by the end of the transfer we were kind of able to make up and things go well and we were able to do well enough in our work that we were able to get ready for the next transfer, which was Christmas time and my mission president, bless his heart. He was like Madison, you did really well with your previous companion, you're doing pretty well with everything so far. I want you to train someone. And I was like wrong answer, incorrect, and because my problems hadn't gone away, I got better with dealing with them. They were nowhere near solved and so I just remember this cute, sweet girl who got to the mission, ready to go, ready to share the gospel. And I just remember the first week she was there.

Madison:

I broke down. I was like "I'm sorry, I'm not good enough for this. I cannot be your trainer. I deserve someone who knows what they're doing. I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know where I am, I don't know if I can do this. I felt such hopelessness in everything that I was like you need someone better, because I don't want to taint your mission, and I'm just again. I was having very depressive, suicidal thoughts at the time. I'd be better off not here, not on my mission, not on anywhere, never, nowhere, than being here and hurting you by being in your presence.

Madison:

So we had an emergency transfer. I ended up going to the mission capital, I guess, where they had headquarters and everything aseven hour drive, and there I was able to get a little bit more help in the sense of my After. I had told my new trainee that I called my mission president and said this is not going to work. He asked me to come to Winnipeg and get things figured out and I remember he said okay, so you're going to be in this ward just for right now.

Madison:

We are just going to see how this works out these next like couple weeks. Just try for this transfer, if not we'll send you home. But I think you could do well here." And I was like again, I don't know what you're seeing, president, but we'll see how this goes. And I remember I got to the ward the next day and it was church and I remember sitting down to this amazing lady and she was like hi, you're the new sister, I'm so excited to meet you, I'm so in. So like the missionaries are teaching me Right now, the elders are, and it's just I'm so excited to have you here.

Madison:

And I turned to this sweet woman and said, "oh, that's really sweet, but I'm not going to get too comfortable, I'm just going to be here, just for about this week, I think. And she's like oh, are you getting transferred, are you?

Lily:

This is an investigator?

Madison:

This is an investigator and I was like, "oh, and maybe, like we're just seeing, you know how it's going to go. She's like, oh, okay, like well. I'm so glad to have you here and she was so excited for me to be there and I was like, well, I feel bad for breaking that woman's heart because she was so excited for me. And after that, just one week turned into another and things were starting to get better. She excited to see you the week after she was so excited to see you the next week.

Madison:

She was so excited and she's like this is my baptism date, you should be there. I'm so excited to see you, you and your companion. And she was so excited and through her excitement I was able to see this is the beauty of the gospel, this is the joy it brings people. What am I forgetting? And so I was like all right, I got to try, whatever she's trying. And I really looked into the lessons more for myself, seeing myself as an investigator. I remember, while I was studying, while this was all happening, that this impression came to me and I wrote it down in my journal and it says go forward without fear to spread the gospel. Fear is what holds us back, not only from our true potential, but also it can affect someone else's progression. Don't worry, just open your mouth and let the spirit guide you. And I had realized that my fear of doing something wrong was the biggest factor of all of this. Can I ask quick where that quote was from my brain?

Lily:

That was the thought that came to you as you were studying?

Madison:

That was the thought that came to me, as I remember, I was just sitting on the couch and just worrying about things and then this thought came to me. it's like again with before, when I just felt loved. And then I was like, "oh my gosh, I need to write this down, wow. And so I took a piece of paper and I wrote it down, and I'm glad that I stuck it in my journal or it's just a loose leaf of paper, it would have been lost, but that is what I kind of use as my bookmark through the rest of my journal so that I would see it as I was going through my mission.

Madison:

My personal favorite scripture is 2nd Timothy 1:7. "But God has not given us the spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind, and I held on to that scripture dearly. I love that scripture and I was able to see all that my savior was trying to give me as I was going through my mission. So I remember specifically there was one part of my mission where, again, I was relapsing. I was and this has been like at this point like four or five months later after Christmas.

Lily:

After being transferred to this new place?

Madison:

After being transferred to this new place, Been there for five months, still dealing with an eating disorder. I was still seeing this therapist every day, and there were good days, but there were still lots of bad days. And I remember going to this member's house that we were visiting, and again, she was having health problems. I'm like "what is up with all these people having health problems? Yeah, Like, are we all just broken? Yep, and I remember because she again she, when we were talking was feeling the exact same way I was. I felt like everything this woman was saying, because she was like this is what's happening with this health problem and I don't know how to do this and I don't know what am I supposed to do, sisters? And I did not have the answer for her because I was going through that same thing. And I remember the there was another member who came with us and he said, well, God just asks you to give 100%. And she's like, well, I can't right now because of how I feel.

Lily:

And he's like you don't understand.

Madison:

"Your 100% is whatever you have at that moment, right. Your 100% when you're healthy is completely different from your 100% when you're sick. All that God cares about is that you're just trying and that's what matters. And I was just like, well, I'm doing what I can. I am on this modified fast. I'm not even fasting like real missionaries, because I like, I'm not eating, I'm whatever. But he wants that anyway. Why would he want that anyway, if I'm not doing what other missionaries want? But it's because he wanted me. And I think this is so important for other missionaries, because we all get our calls, we all get told we're going to go to these places and we're going to be able to touch the lives of people there. And you do, and sometimes you feel like, well, there's so many of us.

Madison:

Anyone can do this, if I wasn't here, and this is how I felt me personally, I was like, "well, all these other sisters are doing great job. No one will notice if I'm not here, because they're going to be getting the exact same lessons anyway. And what that investigator from when I moved into that ward and what this member was trying to teach was the Lord wants you, you are noticed, you are significant, and there are things that only you can do. And he knows there are days you're not going to feel 100%. If you were to feel 100% every single day, you want to be human. That's exhausting.

Lily:

It's exhausting Just thinking about it honestly.

Madison:

If you think of it, christ, when he was going through the Atonement he had to take breaks. He had to take breaks.

Lily:

He was giving his 100% but he took breaks, well, and he had to have the angel come and comefort him as well, so it was even almost too much for him.

Madison:

He needed help, like we all do, and to feel like you're having to carry all this on your shoulders. That's why we have companions, whether they're our mission companion, whether they're like an STLT, like a sister training leader or anyone else, even not in the mission. That is why we have people around us, because we were not meant to do this alone, and that's what Christ tries to teach us. And so, whether those words of inspiration of the gospel come through someone else or through a voice that you hear, that is for you, because you're not supposed to do it alone and that's what we, as missionaries, have the opportunity to teach. And just as I went through the rest of my mission, I was able to finish my mission, Things didn't get fixed. I struggled with my eating disorder the entire way through, but I got happier and I was happy to be there.

Madison:

In our mission we called it a mission of miracles, and every day I would try to write down a miracle, and my favorite days were the days that I could write down "I was happy today and I got to see X, y or Z happen, and I think that's the thing that our savior wants us to feel right. It's a miracle, to be happy, and that's the opposite of what the adversary wants us to feel, because he's not. He wants us to be fearful, to stop where we are and not move forward, because that's how he's stuck. But Christ knows us and he will always be there for us, no matter what. So, yeah, that's your story, that's my story, and I feel like it's one of those things that I don't know it's not unique. I feel like there are so many people out there who have these stories right of feeling when they're down or whatever, but it's significant.

Lily:

Well, because it's still unique to you, even though everybody has these feelings of sorrow, depression, anxiety or other mental health issues or even physical issues, it's still you are the one going through that and it's still when Christ reaches out to you, It's for you. But I think we put God in a box, we put Him in a box and we put Him on a pedestal, I think, sometimes, and we don't truly realize that Jesus Christ is our brother.

Madison:

Yeah.

Lily:

Like he loves us, like you might love your sibling or you might love your child.

Madison:

It is okay to be loved and to accept that sometimes, but also it's okay to be weak sometimes. It's okay to have faults and knowing that having faults isn't the end of the world. If anything, it's something that we have the opportunity to make into a strength. Grow stronger than and I think, after you realize that things get better, they don't become 100% fixed.

Lily:

Yeah.

Madison:

But they definitely get better.

Lily:

Things can go up. Well, Thank you, madison, for sharing your story with us. I appreciate you coming tonight.