More than Coincidence: Remembering Jesus Christ in Your Story
As covenant keeping disciples of Jesus Christ we have been commanded to Remember Him always. As the “Author and finisher of our faith,” our Savior writes personal experiences into each of our lives which can later strengthen, empower, and bring us peace upon reflection. This podcast is dedicated to sharing these anchoring memories from everyone’s unique stories in order to collectively remember and testify of the reality of Jesus Christ and His presence in our lives.
Please reach out to me if you are interested in sharing your story! I would LOVE to hear from you. :)
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More than Coincidence: Remembering Jesus Christ in Your Story
I Already Chose to Have Faith, I Don’t Need to Choose Again with Maciah
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During our interview Maciah said one of the most profound phrases I’ve ever heard regarding faith and resilience that she uses to carry her through the most challenging times - “ I already chose to have faith, I don’t need to choose again.” Join us as Maciah shares her poignant story, reflecting on how the loss of her father at a young age and her battle with Crohn’s disease has deepened her relationship with Jesus Christ. Together we unpack the emotional burdens of chronic illness and mental health, and the pivotal role a supportive community plays in navigating these adversities.
Whether you're seeking comfort, guidance, or inspiration, this episode offers a compelling narrative of resilience, shared experiences, and the steadfast love of God amidst life's trials.
Please reach out to me if you are interested in sharing your story! I would LOVE to hear from you. :)
Follow us on Social Media:
Facebook: More than Coincidence: Remembering Jesus Christ in Your Story
Instagram: mtc.rememberingjesuschrist
Website: https://morethancoincidencerememberingjesuschristinyourstory.buzzsprout.com
Email: morethancoincidence.rememberhim@gmail.com
**Transcripts available on website!
Memories of Faith and Redemption
Speaker 1Hello everyone and welcome to , more Than Coincidence , remembering Jesus Christ in your Story . As the author and finisher of our faith , our Savior writes personal experiences into each of our lives which can later strengthen , empower and bring us peace upon reflection . This podcast is dedicated to sharing these anchoring memories from everyone's unique stories in order to collectively remember and testify of the reality of Jesus Christ and his presence in our lives . I'm your host , lily , and I'm very excited to share these experiences together .
Speaker 2Good evening everybody . Tonight on the podcast we have Micaiah . How are you ? I'm good . How are you . I'm good . I'm so happy that you're here . Would you mind introducing yourself ?
Speaker 3Yeah , so I'm Micaiah Jenkins , I am 28 . I know Lily through her mom . She's kind of adopted my kids .
Speaker 3They call her grandma lady , which is adorable yes , it is . Our kids love each other . They're like friend cousins , so that's super fun . I used to be a high school teacher . I have my degree in agriculture education , so I used to teach high school and I was also an FFA advisor . I have chosen to stay home for the last couple of years just because I have young kids and I've had different health issues that make working hard sometimes . I love athletics . I don't watch a lot of sports , but I love playing sports and like watching live sports . I don't watch it on tv very often . I love going to games . I love being with people , interacting with them . I love dancing , which is kind of funny because my husband hates dancing . It's like the one thing we don't really jive on .
Speaker 3But um , it works out though we go to concerts together and then he'll dance , so it's great . Yeah , love music . I love reading . I read a lot . Yeah , that's just a little bit so cool you awesome .
Speaker 2I'm so happy that we're friends . Well , I will just then ask you the question , Micaiah what memories do you have in your life that you reflect on , that prick your heart in remembrance of our Savior Jesus Christ and anchor you to him ?
Speaker 3Well , I feel like I have , I don't know , maybe not a unique childhood , but definitely a peculiar one . I guess it's one of those things where I feel like , even though trials suck and they're really hard , in my case it made me rely on the Savior from a really , really young age . So , as you know , as we've kind of talked about , when I was just about to turn three , my dad was in the Army Intelligence and he was actually killed in action in Columbia and I mean it was awful . To the day we still don't know what happened , just because it's confidential , which brings its own kind of grief . Yeah , but because of that experience , I mean I had to learn about the atonement when I was a toddler . I had to learn about the resurrection and I had to believe in it and have hope , because the grief was just so overwhelming for me and my little body and my little brain , you know and then it and everybody around me , you know , and I was completely a daddy's girl .
Speaker 3I adored him . He was my , my buddy , and I obviously spent a lot of time with my mom when he was deployed and things , but it was just really hard . I don't I have a few memories of him , but more of my young memories are what it was like to miss him and in a way , I feel like that's kind of been inextricably tied with my relationship with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ . Because it's like here are these men in my life that I love , that I know love me that I can't see anymore , right , and I don't know that they're there . You know , I don't know , but I have to choose to believe and have faith in that .
Speaker 3And , as hard and awful and unfair as it was , I feel like because I chose to have that faith and that belief from a young age , it's helped carry me through my other hard times , like even when I had doubts and things about the gospel or the church that are hard for me . Sometimes I don't , I don't know , I haven't questioned that he's there or when I have , it's just like , no , I know this , I or not even that I know , but like I made this choice right so long ago . You know , yeah , like I'm gonna keep choosing to believe and to have hope and yeah , so that kind of sets the stage , I guess . But I don't know , it's so funny talking about my life sometimes . I don't know if you get this way , but especially with motherhood , I'm like why am I so tired ? Why ? Why , like I'm just complaining , this isn't actually that hard , and then I go to , like , talk about my life .
Speaker 3I'm like , oh wait it actually sounds really hard yeah , yeah , okay , if any of my friends were talking about this , I'd be like I don't need to help you , I don't know . I guess one of the next stories that I thought of . Well , I wanted to talk about how my relationship has sort of changed with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ , especially lately . I feel like , growing up , especially my view of who they are and how they feel about me , how they love me , was very distorted . I always felt like they were more punitive than I . I believe that they are now right . I felt like you know , repentance was this huge thing and like you have to feel bad about yourself to repent and you have to . You know , like it's this big , like they're just disappointed in me all the time .
Speaker 2Yeah , yeah , kind of how myself you can never actually make up for what you did right and all that kind of stuff too right .
Speaker 3Yeah , I can't make up for what you did , so you have to rely on Christ's grace . But I don't know . There's just so much shame mixed in my relationship with them , which I now know is is Satan , and I think a lot of the cultural parts about how the gospel was practiced where I lived contributed to that too . But recently I had this thought in church the other day , and it was actually after a comment that your mom shared . But I just had this thought that , like repentance at the end of the day because that's usually when I remember to say my prayers is not supposed to be a like , okay , sit down at the table , tell me everything you did wrong and apologize . You know , it's more of a like .
Speaker 3I envision now just turning to Heavenly Father and and hugging him and letting him hold me , and sometimes I'm crying and like , and then I get this and then I did this . You know , right , it's mostly ugly , tears and yep , I'm also apologizing too . But sometimes it's just I , just you . I visualize him giving me a hug and a lot of times I just say like today sucked and it was really hard and I tried really hard and please just help me try again tomorrow . Yeah , and that's repentance .
Speaker 3And that's it and I vividly remember the first night I did that I had this impression of like that's all I want , seriously , this is it . What about all the years right ?
Speaker 2it was a lie , yeah anyway .
Speaker 3So that's been kind of I was gonna say fun , I don't know .
Speaker 2You feel like it's been really freeing though ?
Speaker 3Yes , Freeing and authentic . Yeah , and I feel like there's more actual vulnerability , instead of you know me listing out all the things that I'm ashamed of , but still like trying to guard my heart a little bit Correct , because my coach is going to be so mad at me and like I have to tell him everything because he already knows and I want to do better and I need to rely on him , but I'm still so scared that he's gonna , right , judge me because he has every right to . Yeah , right versus now . It's just like I know , you know I don't want to talk about it , I just I'm sorry . I'm gonna try again tomorrow , you know right , yeah , yeah , it's like , that's it , that's all I need . It's like , oh , okay , good talk . Yeah , I'm going to bed now great .
Speaker 2Well , I , I love how you bring that up , because in the past conference talks I think it was this session , this past conference and in april a lot of the brethren , especially president nelson , specifically said making daily repentance a thing and I thought about that .
Speaker 2I was like , oh my gosh , daily repentance , like how do you do that ?
Speaker 2Because when you , when you do think about it in the way of the exhaustive laundry list of all the horrible things that I did , that shame filled , like sitting there and having to repeat that day in and day out , daily repentance sounded so just awful and just burdensome and just something I definitely wouldn't want to do . But I love how , the way that you've , the way that you see it , it definitely makes it seem more doable , it makes it seem like normal and like it's not going to be this agonizing process every single time , but truly just like a , and like it's not going to be this agonizing process every single time , but truly just like a hey man , I'm sorry , I really want to try again . And if , if your heart has the intent that you really are going to try again and he knows that , then that's like you said , it's literally all he asks , which is insane and amazing , and I can't even wrap my mind around it , cause I feel like here I am whipping myself up .
Navigating Parenthood and Faith
Speaker 3I'm such a horrible person with all these things , or even with my kids , I'm like how could you mess up again ? I know you're only four , but come on seriously . It's like he's not like that , right , he's not . And I want to know his secrets , because it is hard . I mean , I even find myself saying to my kids sometimes I'm like I've told you this a hundred times and I kid you not . Sometimes like I have a very sassy relationship with the spirit . I don't know if it's a problem .
Speaker 3But like in that moment , I was like I've told you this a hundred times and I hear the spirit be like and how many times has Heavenly Father had to tell you ? And it's just like I'm not asking you right now .
Speaker 2I need the spirit of comfort in this moment , not not condemnation .
Speaker 3I joke , but I don't know that .
Speaker 3That is definitely more of kind of the relationship I have had with the spirit in the past . I agree . Oh , I was going to say I had another cool moment , so I don't know about you , but sometimes church feels like the absolute worst thing for moms and it's like I don't know . I used to get so much out of church , even as a youth , like I look forward to church , because I felt like I needed the reset and the answers and I just needed the spirit in that way , and since becoming a mom it just really happens , like if we get through sacrament without Carson or I having to take a kid out because they're losing it , like that is a win , and if we will actually stay in nursery , then that is an even bigger win . But it rarely happens . And so this Sunday was one of the few where both kids went to their classes and we had minor interruptions and so I was actually able to like feel the spirit at church . Yeah , that's amazing . But I follow the inklings institute I don't know if you've heard of that . It's yeah and does yeah , it's amazing .
Speaker 3I'll probably talk about that again later , but she this week's talk , or last , I guess , was , uh , president Nelson's talk , and he also told us to read in Doctrine and Covenants 88 and I mean I'm always praying like how do I teach my kids ? How do I , what do I teach them ? Because there's so many different ways of parenting , which is good , because then you can kind of see what fits you , but it's also overwhelming and it's also , even when you know what you want to do , actually doing the thing is impossible . Yep , yes , and anyway . So it was on my mind and I was reading over those scriptures in Doctrine and Covenants 88 . And I'll read the part of the verse that stuck out to me . It's verse 78 . It says teach you diligently and my grace shall attend you that you may be instructed more perfectly in theory and principle and doctrine and the law of the gospel .
Speaker 3And it was one of those moments where I was just like , hey , it's an answer , this is an answer , and it's literally just teach and then I'll help you along the way .
Speaker 3Yeah , be with you . And and again , it's one of those like I love how president nelson focuses on the simple truths and really I feel like he's really gotten rid of some of the more cultural , complicated things that feel like we have to add on to it . You know , right , and and in this verse . It's just like just do it and then I'll help you along the way . Yeah , okay , you mean I don't have to have it all figured out before I can try anything , or yeah , it was just that , and and yeah , kind of this recent shift in how I look at repentance has been the more recent on my mind changes recent on my mind changes , and I'm hoping that this shift will help me have a healthier relationship with with Heavenly Father and with Jesus Christ , and and myself too , I feel like I forget about God's grace a lot , and I I don't think that that's uncommon in our church , just because you know it's that phrase like his grace is sufficient after all we can do .
Speaker 2I feel like yeah , we're going to do everything first , right ?
Speaker 3It's like after Well , I haven't done everything I can do , yep , it's like what happened , you know , yep , and it's just like I feel like Heavenly Father , just like , okay , they missed it y'all missed the mark again right , like okay , so let's try again anyway .
Speaker 3So the next story I wanted to share was actually about when I met my husband . I was going to school up at Utah State , which I loved . I wish I could go back just for a day and be a college student again , because it was so simple , the best . Oh , it didn't feel like it at the time looking back .
Speaker 3I'm like , oh , I love it . Um , but I was actually engaged to a different guy and it wasn't the best relationship . There were a lot of not so great things and I felt like I should get out of the relationship . But whenever I prayed about it , my answer was always like just hold on , just hold on . And so I didn't know if it was like just hold on and things will kind of work out , or just hold on .
Speaker 2Yeah , I don't know .
Speaker 3Yeah , my anxiety was intense , to say the least . It's like just hold on , excuse me , I need more .
Speaker 2I'm kind of getting married , so uh yeah , well , thank you .
Speaker 3I need more details , thanks . But when it was kind of getting to the point where it's just like , okay , I know , like things are going to end , I don't know who exactly is gonna do it , but this , this is not good , I remembered a story from my young women's days
Suffering and Finding Faith
Speaker 3. I think I was a . My maid and my leader told the story of this little girl who her dad gifted her like a dress-up set , and in the dress-up set was this necklace of pearls . Have you heard this story ? I haven't . Oh , it's one of my favorite . So this little girl just loves her necklace , right ?
Speaker 3she wears her pearls everywhere , as toddlers do and you know it was like a have to yank it off her when it's bath time type of thing , like right all the time goes to sleep with it . Anyway , her dad one night asked her hey , honey , do you love me ? And she says , yes , daddy , I love you . And he says , okay , honey , can I have your pearls ? And she's just like , no , don't take my pearls , I love my pearls , don't take them . And I'm like , okay , I'm not going to take them . Good night and anyway . So this repeats for a few days and so finally one night he says , honey , you know that I love you , do you love me ? And he says , yes , daddy , I love you . And he says , honey , can I have your pearls ?
Speaker 3and with her little eyes fill up with tears , yeah , and she says okay daddy you can have my pearls , and she hands it to him and immediately he pulls out of his pocket a strand of real pearls and hands it to his little girl and says , okay , I got these for you instead . Thank you for handing me your fake pearls . Yeah , this is a necklace of real pearls , right , and I anyway .
Speaker 3So this story popped up into my head one day when I was at the Logan Temple because I was heartbroken and needed the spirit and that's that story just kept going through my mind , going through my mind and I walked out and I sat by the fountain and I just had this thought of like Heavenly Father , I love you and I'll give you my pearls , you know I'll do it . And I mean , within the week that relationship ended and it was ugly , it was not good and and and I was obviously heartbroken and just felt like my world was ending and all those feelings , right , right , for better or worse , and I decided to stay the rest of the summer in Logan . School was going to start in like a month and a half , so I didn't see the point .
Speaker 2Yeah , there's no reason to lean down and I'm coming back right .
Speaker 3but during that time I met these really good friends they it was a house full of boys up the street that my roommate had a crush on one of them . So of course we all got introduced and and I love , I love them even to the day there , but I think of them as some of my best friends I've ever had , and they're all so funny . I think all of them had gone on missions and were members and so we'd go to all the YSA things together .
Speaker 3We weren't in the same board , but anytime we'd have like steak stuff or if there was an institute , anything they were , they were my guys and and they were also great because they knew how heartbroken I was and so if any other guys were like trying to ask me out on dates or whatever , they would just be like don't talk to her , you know that's awesome .
Speaker 2That's way better than ever they were just bodyguards .
Speaker 3It was so great . It was so great . And one of the boys that lived in that house his name was Mitch , and he planned a camping trip that , conveniently , was going to be on my birthday , and all my friends were like , let's go on this trip , you need to be happy , we'll all go , it'll be so much fun , float the river . And so we all planned to go and Mitch invited his brother and his friends from Ogden , where he grew up , to come up with us . And that's when I met my husband . Yay , mitch is my brother-in-law now and I mean this happened .
Speaker 3I think like maybe four weeks after , after that experience happened , and throughout my entire dating relationship with Carson , it , it was everything was different . You know , like it was long distance for the majority of it , just because he was still in Ogden and I was in Logan , but I just I always remember feeling when the kind of panic feelings would come up and be like , oh , this feels different . It's just like , yeah , but remember , heavenly Father said he'd give you the real pearls and not the fake stuff . Right , and it would call me and I'd be like , oh , this is what healthy relationships look like . This , this is a gift , this is good , you know , yes , and I don't know .
Speaker 3That was just one of those times where it was very obvious to me of like the Lord had a plan and he made me a promise and he followed through . And it's cool to read in Carson's blessing , my husband's patriarchal blessing . It talks about how he would meet me through his friends and like very specific things like that , which he didn't let me read it until we were like about to get married , right . And as soon as I read that I was like , oh my gosh , this is it . And I don't know . It was just again one of those silly , dramatic , girly things to do , but it was just . Oh , it was a sign .
Speaker 2This is true you know right , well , it's special . It just proves the authenticity of that pearl . Yeah , like this was literally planned way before , like who even knows how far in advance .
Speaker 3Right . Well , and I love too how Heavenly Father gave me the time to willingly give up that relationship . You know , because when I prayed , it wasn't . It was never like you need to do this , like this is bad , you need to get out . It was like just hold on . And then I was given the choice , you know , right are you going to give this up and hope for the real thing , or are you gonna clutch your pearls ? You ?
Speaker 3know right right yeah , so that was a fun experience . Another one that is a bit more recent . I don't know about you , but I feel like ever since COVID happened , the world just went haywire .
Speaker 2Yes , one million percent .
Speaker 3And it hasn't been one thing after another , it's been like five things happening simultaneously .
Speaker 2Agreed .
Speaker 3Hard and awful . The world is on fire yes and yeah it's just been . It's just been one awful like incredibly hard thing after another for me and I don't know we we both had our COVID babies right , Sure did , and that was a ride on its own . I was newly teaching which teaching is stressful in and of itself Doing it through the pandemic was just horrible yeah .
Speaker 2I can't even imagine .
Speaker 3It was awful and the aftermath was even worse yeah , yep , even worse for sure , but it kind of the awful , I guess , kind of peaked or started to peak about a year ago actually , when I got pregnant with my daughter . My medication stopped working . I have Crohn's disease and so I changed medications when I was pregnant with her and , honestly , just never really got my flare under control . I mean I was , I was moving through and coping as best as I could , but I never got back into a remission , I guess . So this has been two and a half , almost three years in the making and finally about a year ago my body just was starting to shut down , just was starting to shut down like anytime I would drink or eat anything .
Speaker 3I couldn't even drink water , yeah , without having intense pain . And you know , I found my little tricks that made it bearable . Like I could have warm water would help , but hot or cold would hurt too bad . If I lay down afterwards , sometimes that would help . Or , you know , like I'd have the time I couldn't eat when my kids ate , because then they would need me and I would be in pain . Right , exactly . There was a lot of shuffling and trying to rearrange things . Meanwhile my job was just awful . My mental health had suffered a lot after both of my kids and my job was just not Not helping dealing with teenagers .
Speaker 3No honestly the teenagers were fine , it was the other adults . If I could just teach , I'd do it every day . It's oh man , yeah , it's the politics , and yeah , all of that I just couldn't handle .
Speaker 3Plus , on top of teaching , I was also the FFA advisor , so I was kind of added responsibility with that and I mean , yeah , just to give you an idea , I I had my daughter . When I was in the hospital giving birth to her , I got an email saying that , like all of my extra FFA hours wouldn't , I wouldn't get paid for them unless I filled the form and sent it to them that day . So I'm , like , literally in labor and I have to fill out a PDF to make sure I get paid .
Speaker 3That's insane . It was insane and I don't know I . It was insane and I don't know I . For weeks postpartum , you know I'm I'm taking my newborn daughter out to the barn to muck pig pens , yep , and it's what you do degree weather and flies everywhere and oh and yeah . So I was putting in 50 , 60 hours all summer and , yeah , my mental health , just it was . And you know , combine that with the typical mother feelings of you know like I'm not enough , I'm not doing good enough , my kids are suffering and I'm a terrible mom and whatever . And also , on top of that , feeling like I'm a terrible teacher and I can't keep up with all this and right anyway my , my mental health just snapped and I'm really grateful that I was able to get the help that I needed .
Speaker 3But I mean it got to the point where I had to take a medical leave of absence from work for my mental health . I I mean , I was suicidal , I couldn't function and had to stop and yeah , and which was heartbreaking , I mean I've wanted to be a teacher since I was four years old . Like I , that was my lifelong dream , yeah , and even now , like I feel very heartbroken over how things have Right but something had to give , and it was you that was giving yeah , Because school wasn't going to fix itself .
Speaker 2They would have just moved on with someone else . They did yeah . Like your kids , they need you . They're not going to stop . You can't stop a two and a four-year-old from doing what they're going to do they're not going to stop .
Speaker 3You can't stop a two and a four-year-old from doing what they're going to do , right , well , and at that time it was a newborn .
Speaker 2Oh , newborn , that's right , yeah , newborn . And two-year-old . Yeah , like there's . There's literally no way you could have functioned , yeah .
Speaker 3And all through that , I just remember just feeling like I was drowning , like even though my husband was trying to help and my family was trying to help , like I just was not getting what I needed and thankfully I went to this I can't remember what they're called . I think it's like a neonatal oh no , that's not it , it's they specialized in postpartum perinatal , that's what it is Care , so anything like postpartum depression , postpartum anxiety , ocd , they , they're like the mom haven . Their name is Serenity . They're in Riverton , I love them . I got help through there . Um , I got help through there and that's where your mom actually came into my life . Yeah , she , we had puppies at the same time , which was another hectic , crazy , stressful thing on top of everything else .
Speaker 3But sorry , I did not think I would go down this like rabbit hole , but we're , we're going . So here we go , I guess . But one of our puppies was born without its right forearm and immediately I thought , oh , I wonder if the Killswood would want it , which at the time I was just like there's no way . Like why would I even think this ? Like they have they still have kids in their home , they have a dog , they have two dogs . Like why would they want this dog .
Speaker 3Yep , and it turns out it was so sad because Carson asked your dad and Church was just like , hey , like we have this , this puppy , do you want to come see him ? And your dad was just like our dog died this
Navigating Chronic Illness and Pain
Speaker 3week . And both of us were just like , oh , okay , well , we'll cry for you and please don't look at us anymore . We feel so embarrassed , like I'm so sorry , um , but your mom texted me that day and was just like I'm coming to see puppies , when can I come ? And and she came over . Yeah , and she started helping us with puppies and and it got to the point where she was coming over , enough that you know , like you know how it is when people come over and you , you like smile and you're like , oh hi , it's good to see you , but she was coming over so much that I couldn't do that anymore .
Speaker 2And it was the real life , not just like the yay , come here , be polite .
Speaker 3Right , it's like hi , I'm having a mental breakdown and need to cry and I also need to help you , so I can't . We're going to do both , I guess . Gonna do both , I guess , and anyway , I yep , I was just crying and and your mom looked at me and gave me a hug and was just like , you need a friend and I'm your friend now sounds about right okay , and she's just like tell me what's going on , and so you know , I tell her .
Speaker 3It's just like tell me what's going on , and so you know , I tell her . I was just like look , I this happened , and now my job is in shambles and I'm in shambles and I don't know what to do .
Speaker 3And she's just like okay , so I'm going to come watch your kids every Wednesday so you and your husband can go to therapy . And I was immediately like , no , you don't need to do that , I don't want you to do that . And she's like well , I'm showing up , so Sounds about right , whatever . And she did , she did . And the first time she showed up I was not ready to go because , you know , you didn't think she was going to do it . I didn't think she was going to do it .
Speaker 3I didn't want her to do it , and so I answered the door in my sweats and she's just like you don't look like you're ready to go , and I was just like I'm not , like okay , hurry up .
Speaker 3And you know that was the start , the friendship we have and and the relationship she has with my kids , and now our kids have their cute little friendships and and because we had that level of trust with your mom leading up to everything that happened in this past year , I mean , I was luckily able to get my mental health in a really good spot and then it was seriously like the next month was when I would have that pain every time I ate or drank and I , I mean I just slowly deteriorated . I don't , I don't know how else to say it . It was , it was like I was just dying slowly , and when you have a three and a one-year-old , you can't do that . You have to still show up , you know and do the thing . And you know my husband works full-time and obviously helps where he can and he's a fantastic father , but he's not able to parent and work full-time and take care of his wife .
Speaker 3You know , like Right , Something has to give . Yeah , Something has to give , and thankfully , this time around it wasn't my mental health , but yeah . So my first hospitalization was in July of last year , 2023 for five days , and the thing that's so frustrating about having a chronic illness is it's one of those where the test results come back and nothing's quote-unquote wrong with you . You just have this lifelong thing that's never gonna go away .
Speaker 2Right , there's nothing they can do to make it better other than give you more pain or something and just be like here , right , they can give that , but that comes with its own risks exactly and shame and fears and right , you know it's , it's a hard thing . It's just like you just get to suffer yeah basically yeah , that first time was in July .
Speaker 3My second hospitalization was in November of 2023 . And that time they were able to pinpoint that my gallbladder wasn't working . I didn't have gallstones or anything , it just seriously was like it didn't work .
Speaker 3It didn't work , it didn't work , yeah , and they were like , okay , we'll remove this and hopefully this will get you some relief . And it did for a while . I vividly remember someone in the ward brought us orange chicken and you know this was like a week after my surgery when I could eat solid foods and I ate it and it was the first meal I had had in like six months . That didn't hurt and I just cried yeah , this is so great , I'm gonna eat so much . But then again , slowly over time that the symptoms came back and yeah and they came back worse .
Speaker 3And I remember one night I was just , I don't think it was even at night it was in the morning .
Speaker 3I was just praying , just like this is not living like I . I can do hard things , I've done hard things , you've helped me with hard things , but like this is getting to the ridiculous point of like , yeah , how can you expect me to to get through this ? You know , exactly , being kind of I don't know , not the most humble in my tone , I guess , more of just like dude for real , like we gotta have a this conversation . Um , and my husband actually works for Intermountain Healthcare and I remember hearing him on a conference call and I overheard the word pain management clinic and I sat up in my chair and was just like what did you just say there's a , there's a clinic that is for managing pain , and I haven't heard about it .
Speaker 3And he felt super bad afterwards . He was just like , oh yeah , there is sorry , like I should have told you about this before , right , but anyway I I went to this pain management clinic and I was really nervous going into it because , as anybody with chronic health problems knows , you don't want to get your hopes up because you'll just be more disappointed and that's kind of a pessimistic attitude to have . But it's also what you got to do to get through it . And I met with the nurse practitioner and I remember I don't really I rarely sit down and you know fold my arms and pray . It's more of kind of like a constant text stream , that's how I think of it .
Speaker 3Yeah , I'll just like send thoughts and be like have my father . This is , this is what I'm thinking . You know , yep .
Speaker 3Constant prayer in your heart , heart right . And I remember pulling up to the clinic and it was snowing and I just remember feeling like , should I even go in ? Like is this just gonna break my heart ? And right , I guess it gonna be worth it . You know , and I remember Heavenly Father I don't really hear him specifically , sometimes , it's more of just the feeling but it was just like I had the feeling of someone's waiting for you and they're going to help you , and so I , you know , I'm still kind of guarding my heart and like , okay , like I have this prompting , but like again , I , don't .
Speaker 3I don't want to be disappointed and still suffering with no answers , right Right . Exactly .
Finding Hope Amid Suffering
Speaker 3I met with the nurse practitioner and I was blown away , like for starters , his bedside manner was amazing . On the way , like for starters , his bedside manner was amazing and I talked for maybe 10 minutes and just kind of gave him the clinical , you know like here's my stats . Here's what I've got . Here's my here's my history . Here's my surgeries . Here's this . Oh yeah , by the way , like I had mental health issues right .
Speaker 3Were you nursing at the time too , thankfully no , okay , good , I was done by that point because , yeah , I , my body just could not handle , yeah , handle that too . But he , he was just like I'm just gonna stop , like like we've got all the clinical information I need , and he's just like I just I'm so sorry . And he like started getting emotional and he was like I just really this might not be the most professional thing , but I just feel the need to share with you about my story a little bit . And you know he talked about how he and his wife um , he was in an accident like in his early 20s and had chronic pain in his back for years and it like inhibited .
Speaker 3He felt like nobody would ever love him or want to be with him because he had these medical problems and and of course I'm just crying because it's like all the things he's saying are the hard things I've felt too , and you know he talks about how he eventually , like , did get married and allowed himself to feel loved and then him and his wife were infertile for a long time and they eventually adopted and and you know he's telling me this , this story , and you know I can see the garment line on his yeah , you know , under his scrubs and and I , just we both just cried together and he at the end he said he was just like I know , right now your pain is so bad that you're just struggling to survive .
Speaker 3You're not , you're not living , you're just struggling to survive . You're not , you're not living , you're surviving . And he was like , but I'm going to do what I can to help you and I'm very confident that you're going to get the relief that you need . And it was just like this wash of relief and hope . And you know , I had that light at the end of the tunnel and I mean this was in December and and it got so much worse after that , even still , like you know , fast forward six months and I was hospitalized again for 19 days and that was after I think I had seven ER visits this year and that's on top of . You know , at the time I was on medication , I was going to physical therapy , I also was seeing a psychologist who specializes in pain , which has been a huge blessing , and again , that was through that pain management clinic . But it got so much worse and it really felt like I was just dying slowly .
Speaker 2Yeah .
Speaker 3And in pain all the time , I think around April , from about March , around April , from about March . On March until the middle of May my baseline pain level was like a six or seven . If I got below that I felt great , yeah , and and that again .
Speaker 3That's like that's with pain meds , that's with all these therapy and with everything , with your parents watching my kids several times a week , right , you know , like all these people helping me and showing up for me , and I still was just suffering . But I just I remember that feeling of even when everything felt hopeless and pointless . Honestly , I had that hope of one day it's going to be okay , and it might not be tomorrow or the next day , but it will . And finally I was hospitalized again May 1st and it was . It was awful . I mean , I've given birth twice and I did have epidurals towards the end of both of them , but , like the pain .
Speaker 3I was in it was , it was worth . It was worse than childbirth and postpartum . It was the worst pain I've ever been in and again , that's with pain meds , that's with everything they can do in the ER , and I ended up having a bowel obstruction . Throughout my years of having Crohn's disease , I had had so much scar tissue built up that nothing could pass through anymore , right , and I was in the hospital . The first day was in May , was , I believe , nine , I know it was . It was 11 days of being in the hospital . I know it was . It was 11 days of being in the hospital .
Speaker 3And another one of the ways that I felt Heavenly Father , specifically when I was in the hospital I follow that Inklings Institute right and , and from the point that I went into the hospital until I got out of the hospital , it was like every week was exactly the message that I needed .
Speaker 3Yeah , like that first week was the your words matter , talk and that talk . I mean I remember hearing it and just feeling like , oh , this is what I need , but especially in the hospital , that was exactly what I need , just with family issues that were going on , and it brought me a lot of peace and my good friend from the ward that studies it with me came to the hospital like twice and we just talked about it and visited and played games . And I had so many of my friends show up for me when I was in the hospital which I don't think I've ever had as many and as good of friends as I've had ever in my life and right and and that's another way that I've seen Heavenly Father through all this is it's just like , yeah , I went through this awful thing , but I had several people show up for me that I had no idea loved me as much as they did and yeah through those talks .
Speaker 3It just it brought a profound peace . I was in the hospital over my daughter's second birthday yeah , which I still can't think about without crying , obviously and on that day your parents showed up and you showed up and you took them on the train up to downtown and they had this really great day . Yep , it was super fun . It was fun , and your mom sent me pictures and Marco Polo's and , and you know , I remember I mean at that point I'd been in the hospital for a week and I just felt so alone and that kind of hopeless feeling was creeping in .
Speaker 3Yeah , again . And I remember praying to Heavenly Father and it wasn't even a asking prayer or anything it was just a . I don't know , you know those prayers where it's like your soul just feels bare and you just tell him how it's not even in words so much as just feelings of just the pain and the sorrow .
Speaker 3and I opened my eyes and looked out my window and I had a really good view , thankfully , of the mountains . But that day , that day was weird . I don't know if you remembered , but it like snowed randomly in the morning and so it's , there's like snow flurries , and I just saw this like beam of light hit the mountain just right and and it was , it was such a small , insignificant thing you know one of those things where it's .
Speaker 3Yeah , one of those things where it's like anybody looking out would be like , oh , pretty mountains , like just the timing of it and everything just felt so like there's still light in the storm . Yeah , hold on , you know . And shortly after , your mom sent me that the picture of our kids and and it was such a tender , like a bittersweet thing , because it's like of course , I'm grieving and and having a hard time , because it's a hard thing to go through and yet there's still joy to be found and happiness , happy things that are happening right . And it was funny because I should say funny they obviously flagged me for like mental health issues , given my history and also how long I was in the hospital .
Speaker 3So this social worker came in and again , this was on my daughter's birthday and you know she , she sits down and she's just like . So I'm looking over your chart and and I'm not gonna ask how you are because I'm sure you're just doing awful . So like , tell me about the awful , yeah you know , like I'm talking about .
Speaker 3You know my feelings and and everything , but I'm able to be like I don't know , even just in the way that I was talking to me , it still felt like gut-wrenching and and awful exactly and she just sat there and was kind of looking at me with her head tilted and she's just like I hope you don't take this the wrong way , but like I'm kind of weirded out how fine you are and you know , to me I'm just like .
Speaker 2I am not fine , yeah exactly .
Speaker 3She's like did you listen right ? And she's like . She said something along the lines of like what I mean you're . You're describing your feelings very clearly . You're talking about . You're able to identify what you're feeling . You're able to say , like things are hard but you still have hope . You're able to say like sometimes it doesn't feel worth it to go through all this , but you're going to fight anyway . Like like you're going through hard things and so you're going to feel awful . I'm not here to like try to convince you otherwise . Right , exactly . And she's like but I'm just amazed , honestly .
Speaker 3I thought I would come in here and you wouldn't even be able to talk to me honestly and and so I'm crying and I was just like and also it's my daughter's birthday and she's just like , see , like case in point , like what , how are you ? Okay , I'm crying more than you are . You know , and I don't know it was . I have such a problem where it's like I was such an A plus student and that was my mentality . So like in my mind , I'm like I'm the best therapy patient , she said today you know , like it was like below of the best mess in the hospital , but it was also kind of the boost I needed .
Speaker 2I was gonna say it makes you laugh and you needed to laugh probably .
Speaker 3I needed to laugh and I also needed that reminder of like , yeah , I'm gonna be a hot mess because this is a hot mess situation and I normally would have been so much worse had I not had the support and the spirit and my garments too . That was another thing , like wearing garments when you're hospitalized it's hard because it's uncomfortable as it is .
Speaker 3And just having another thing on you . Yeah , terrible , honestly . Yeah , but I tried to have my garments on as often as I could and when I didn't , it was a very conscientious like I'm taking these off because it like I feel like I can't right now , but can you still be with me ? Yes , even without them and , and I don't know it , it really helped me a lot to remember the covenants that I had made and to still have that consciousness , even when I wasn't able to wear them , of the power that comes from those covenants . And I really think that that I kind of attributed my ability to be just a hot mess and not a utter disaster to do the help that I was receiving and my garments and those garments , another kind of tender mercy when I was in the hospital .
Speaker 3I , I'm a weirdo and I would rather have an IV over a shot any day , just because I've had so many IVs , you know . Yep , but one day it was the Saturday before Mother's Day and I was hopefully finally going to be able to go home either that day or the next day , at least for a little bit , until I had surgery and I had to get a PICC line in and I had never had one before . Yeah , and I was freaking out . I mean , we're on , we're on day 11 of my hospital stay and so my nerves are shot . I hadn't eaten anything since the day before I had gone in .
Speaker 3I was at that point I was on like IV nutrition . Well , I needed to get the PICC line so I could have the IV nutrition when I went home . But , yeah , I was freaking out and terrified and like mentally , just I could not handle , handle another scary thing right . And it was a miracle but my mom brought up my three sisters and my sister-in-law came down and they all met me at the hospital and it was so nice like my youngest sister did my nails and my mom's massage therapist , so she was like massaging me and my other sister was like talking to me and my other sisters like doing my hair . And meanwhile , you know , I'm knowing in the back of my mind like I'm gonna have to get a big life and I'm freaking out .
Speaker 3but you know , I I'm surrounded by angels and my mom , and it was what I needed to get through that last awful thing during the hospital stay . You know , the nurse came to get me when they were all still there and I was able to give my mom a hug and she gets the best hugs yeah , was able to give my mom a hug and she gets the best hugs . Yeah , and I was able to be scared and not have to pretend for a moment like everything was okay and and that was exactly what I needed , you know . But I went and got the PICC line and it was not bad . It was not nearly as bad as I had thought or , honestly , most of the other procedures I had had at that point were probably way worse .
Navigating Faith Amid Adversity
Speaker 3Oh yeah , it was like I . It was one of those where , like , at the end of it , I was just like man . I was freaking out for no reason , I mean . Again , logically it makes sense why I was , cause I had never had it before , but I'm , I'm just like man .
Speaker 2That was the easiest thing I've had since I've been here , like you're fine but but to have like the comfort and just the people in your life again that were literally the ministering angels to hold you and comfort you and care for you , like that's so amazing you were able to have that yeah , to have that and also let that be enough , because I also I struggle very hard with FOMO , like yeah that fear of missing out .
Speaker 3And you know , like they were planning on like where to go to dinner , and and they were staying at an Airbnb which , like my mom , had originally gotten the Airbnb , so that , with me in mind thinking like , oh , now Kaya can come with us and we can do this , and I did feel sad and disappointed that I couldn't go , but that was it .
Speaker 3It wasn't like the gut-wrenching despair that I normally feel when I have to miss out on things yeah yeah , which , again , I feel like that really was Heavenly Father , just being like okay , ma'am , I know you normally would be like heartbroken over this and stressed and feel bad , but like we're just gonna feel kind of sad and we're gonna cry and it's gonna be okay . And it seriously felt like I had a like an emotions coach in my head sometimes of just like very consistent reminders of things that I had heard in therapy , like those promptings of like and talking through , like those compassion statements and things like . In a lot of ways , I feel like my mental health struggles and everything that was so hard . I feel like it was the blessing in disguise that got me through these physical ones because , like I feel like if it had been reversed and I had had the physical without the mental , I would not have had the tools that I needed to get right through exactly which is kind of really hard to say it's .
Speaker 2It's almost like that . I don't want to say it's the pearls analogy again , but maybe almost , because it's like the preparation . It's like how much do you love me ? You're going through this really hard thing , but you're gonna have to trust me that , whatever comes next , whether it's hard or whether it's easy , I've you love me and I'm going to carry you .
Speaker 3Yeah , I'm going to give you what you need , right , yeah , exactly , and I think I've had to do a lot of reframing with this too , in regards to , like my faith and hope in Christ , because I I used to be one of those people that believe like everything happens for a reason and .
Speaker 3God's in all the details which , like to an extent , I do still believe that . But when you're hit with hard thing after hard thing after hard thing , it gets to a point where it's just like it's easy to go down various rabbit holes of like well , where is God ? Like I'm a good person , why is this happening to me ? Is he punishing me ? Am I bad ? You know ? Like right ? It leaves so much room for those doubts of the devil to get in and sneak its way in , when sometimes it's just like part of mortal existence is just bad things happen . And it's not heavenly father teaching you a lesson , it's not him punishing you . It's just that's what comes with mortality .
Speaker 3But the good thing is that heavenly father and christ , because of the atonement , take those things that are awful and hard and mortality , and help you learn in spite of them . It's not a God sends you hard things to teach you a lesson .
A Story of Healing and Resilience
Speaker 3I think that we as a church really need to be careful with our wording , with that . It's not he sends you hard things to teach you a lesson . It's the hard things are coming anyway . But if you're humble and you let him , he will help you learn the lesson . And that might sound like the same thing to someone , but I don't know . That was just a really big distinction that I had to make in these last few months .
Speaker 2Does it help you not take it personally ? Yes , it helps me not take it personally .
Speaker 3Yes , it helps me not take it personally . It helps that feeling of despair go away . It gives more room for hope and it also gets rid of a lot of kind of Satan's distractions of like self-blaming , self-loathing , self-blaming , self-loathing , self-pity like it just leaves more room . When you have more room for hope , you have more room for love and right and his right yeah , exactly .
Speaker 3Yeah , moving on with kind of my crazy health story , I was able to come home that same day . I got the PICC line and the next day was Mother's Day and it was amazing , like I mean , I still wasn't eating . I had that . I had a nutrition IV going on in my PICC line all the time , but I finally had energy which I hadn't had in forever . Yeah , yeah , and we , we took the kids to the park . I didn't feel comfortable going to church just because of , like , I was in , you know , compromised still and didn't want to bring the bag of meds with me . Yeah , and church with kids is just awful in general .
Speaker 2You know , like it's just oh yeah no , you didn't need that't need that .
Speaker 3No , it was a . It was a church in the mountains and and we went to the park and I just remember sitting on the bench and I hear my I hate that I cry all the time , it's okay I hear my kids giggling and playing with my husband and I feel the sun on my face which I hadn't felt in almost two weeks , and I just remember , like holding my face up to the sky and thinking like this is what joy feels like , this is what coming home feels like . And I had , I had a prompting in my head . They like I need to be careful how I phrase this . It was . It was like soak it in , you're going to need it . And it wasn't a like .
Speaker 3It was really in that tone of like just soak it in you're going to need it and it wasn't so much of a like well , soak it in because it's gonna go away .
Speaker 3You know it was more of like the peaceful yeah , but I mean , sure enough , that night I took a turn for the worst . That morning it was just awful and thankfully your mom was there to rescue us yet again and came and sat with our kids while my husband took me up to the ER again and it was scary . I think , other than issues with my mental health and childbirth , I mean , that's probably the closest to death I've ever gone and I was fighting to stay conscious and it was scary . But I vividly remember thinking you know , this is my blood pressure for anybody who knows blood pressure .
Speaker 3I mean , my blood pressure was like 60s , over 40s , like , by all accounts , I should not have even been coherent at all . And I remember , you know I'm squeezing my legs and my arms and I'm trying to take deep breaths and and focus on just staying . And I remember praying and just saying , like you promised me because in my patriarchal blessing it specifically says that I won't be , I won't be , called home until my work on earth is done and I just remember saying I was just like you promised me . Yeah , that I'm not done yet and I need you to keep your promise . And I had this thought of like you know that I keep my promises yeah and , and immediately after that I passed out .
Speaker 3I'm like passing out , and I get a blood transfusion and I do all these scans . I got admitted to the ICU but I mean , after that I wasn't scared anymore . I mean things were still scary because it was really intense , but I had that fear of like I knew I was going to get through it . And my husband gave me a beautiful blessing that night , with my brother-in-law , mitch , who introduced us , and , and that was the only priesthood blessing in my whole life where I was promised that I would be healed .
Speaker 3Every other blessing has been , you know , and Lord's timing and have faith and get through it , and and that was the only blessing I've ever had where it was . You know , you are going to be healed , the lord is going to heal you , and so it was . Again it's like I'm going through hell , yeah , and and this is on the back of , you know a year of suffering physically , two years of suffering mentally , and it's the most awful night of my life and I'm in agony because I couldn't have any pain meds , because it would make me pass out . And yet I had peace and I knew I was going to be okay and that's honestly what kept me calm enough to get through what I needed to get through , and the next day I had surgery . They ended up removing like 18 inches of my intestines .
Speaker 2You didn't need it anyway . No , I was very happy to be rid of it .
Speaker 3And it was the weirdest thing , like I mean mean purely for selfish reasons , I'm grateful , but I have an uncle that has Crohn's disease too and he had a similar surgery and he's just like you're gonna feel better right away , which again I'm like , okay , don't say those things to me , because right , don't get my hope if it doesn't happen .
Speaker 3I'm gonna be pissed , you know but I remember I'm not even coherent yet , my eyes are still closed and I'm just barely coming to from the anesthesia and I had the thought of like my body works , like it works , things work , what is going on ? And you know , I'm 10 minutes out of surgery and sitting up in bed and 20 minutes out of surgery and walking and , oh my gosh , like it was amazing .
Speaker 2It's a literal miracle , like you were , literally almost dead .
Speaker 3I was almost dead , I was actively dying , in fact . Oh my gosh , I'm walking and my poor surgeon . She's amazing . If anyone has gut issues , go to her , but like she , she comes in to check on me and I'm she was panicked because I wasn't in my room when she came to see me . So she like flagged down the nurse and was like where is she ? And the nurse is like oh , she's walking . And the surgeon's like what ? Why ? I mean that's good , but anyway . So she starts walking with me and I'm just sobbing . I'm like you gave me my life back , thank you . And she's just like she had really good bedside manner , but I could tell that she was just like so much .
Speaker 3So that happened and you know we're on day 13 of being in the hospital at this point and I still had recovery to go , which was hard . But that week , right after the surgery , when you know I'm coming off of this high of a miracle , like a literal miracle , like you said , right , but there's still work to be done and it's still hard .
Speaker 2You still have to mom , I still have to mom . The dishes still have to be done .
Speaker 3Unfortunately , and at this point I'm even still in the hospital , but it's like my kids are still being taken care of by other people and I'm having to eat again , which was incredibly hard , just because of all like the anxiety and , and , frankly , the PTSD you know , like cause , like I said , it will cause me pain .
Speaker 2I don't want to be in pain . Right , I just fixed my body . I don't want to break it again .
Speaker 3Exactly and the talk for that week I don't remember the name of it , but it was elder holland's talk where he talked about being in the hospital and when his wife passed and and the thing I have this like it clicked in my mind moment was just like he , he would have been in this hospital , like he would have been in this ICU , based on where he lives and I mean , I don't know for sure , this is just the story I tell myself , but but it was such a huge comfort to me and like everything that he talked about in that talk of like you know how , basically , like his work isn't done yet and he's got things to do and he's gonna go and boldly preach and testify , and and it was exactly what I needed , it was the validation I needed and the comfort , and also like that call of like I have a life to look forward to and I can get through this last hard bit you know Right .
Speaker 2I've done it for so long , right , I literally am at the end , hopefully .
Speaker 3Yeah , and and if it's not the end , it's still going to be okay . And I mean , it was seriously like every week for the next month was exactly the talk that I needed . And obviously when Emily Bell Freeman is making the schedule , she prays about it and she is very intentional with it , but like there's no way she knew that that's what I was going to need , right and timing wise . But again , it was just one of those miracles that lined up that it was exactly what I needed when I needed
Finding Faith Amid Trials
Speaker 3it . And one of those things where it's like I don't kind of tying it back to how my faith started as a toddler , like I've already made the choice to believe . I've already seen these things that strengthen that .
Speaker 3Like it just takes one more choice off of my plate of whether I'm going to choose to believe or not right and I'm just really grateful for for that and I'm glad that now I am at a point where it's funny , I was talking to my husband about this the other days like I'm really good at surviving , I'm not used to just living right , you have to relearn how to live .
Speaker 3Exactly , it's like I have to learn how to live , and it's one of those things that again me being kind of critical of myself it's like this shouldn't be hard , like it's it's living . You know why ? Why does this feel so daunting and hard and whatever , but right . But again it's like , as I look back through all these miracles and the way that Heavenly Father and Christ have shown up for me , it's like they're gonna help me learn how to live too .
Speaker 2Yeah , that's what the gospel is , and I just have the gospel of joy like you guys have to figure out now how to have that joy . Yeah .
Speaker 3I guess that's my next thing . I'm looking forward to learning , but I'm I'm grateful that I had this opportunity with you . I've I wanted to like go through and write out everything that happened , but it's hard to do that , not just for the time , but honestly , just again , like reliving those experiences .
Speaker 3Sometimes it's hard yeah but being able to do it with the focus on like how heavenly father helped me through it and having that be the focus . It's like I get to digest what happened without just the horrific things being stuck in my mind . You know again it . It helps that hope stay alive instead of just the hard enveloping .
Speaker 2So the darkness . What would you tell someone who might be going through exactly what you're going through right now ? Or something similar Like do you have anything that you would want to want to tell them ?
Speaker 3thing that you would want to want to tell them lots . Um , I think one of the things is just like , especially in regards to mental health . I had to relearn how to listen to the spirit and how to feel heavenly father's presence , because it's so different than what it was like as a youth , when I wasn't mentally ill that's terrible but like depression in particular , it's so numbing that it's like if you rely on your feelings to feel the spirit like it's just not going to be there .
Speaker 3At least that's how it was for me , and so I think , accepting the ways that you can still interact with Heavenly Father , even if it's not necessarily your ideal , just letting it be how it is right and and accepting it , I think , helped me a lot .
Speaker 2I also Knowing that you're not any less than like . It's like , that's fine , like he's your dad , he loves you , he doesn't care if you're sick in bed and can't do anything .
Speaker 3Right , right , yeah , that's comforting , it is , and it's like even going back to that , like repentance is like giving him a hug . Analogy it's like like repentance is like giving him a hug . Analogy it's like anytime you turn to him is repentance . And I mean there were times because of my physical pain or my mental pain where I remember hugging people and just feeling like I don't feel anything .
Speaker 3Yeah , I don't feel the comfort that this usually gives me , but that doesn't mean that there's not still hugging me you know , Right , right , just because I can't receive it in the way that I want to or that I'm used to like , it's still , it's happening and I still am getting benefit from it , even if I can't see it now .
Speaker 2Or God is there . He's hugging you , even if you can't feel it Right .
Speaker 3Exactly , and another thing I would say , too , is that I feel like Heavenly Father works . I don't know . There's just so many ways that he tries to help us , and I'm a huge believer in God being involved with medical miracles , you know , and and sometimes that means like I I feel like I held myself back from getting the help that I was in need of because it wasn't through the quote unquote priesthood . You know , like I felt like I shouldn't need pain medication .
Speaker 3I just need a priesthood blessing I shouldn't need this medication that will make my life more bearable , because I should just have more faith and then this miracle will happen . Right , and it's like in the meantime , it's like the miracle has happened .
Speaker 3Heavenly father has helped people develop these miracles , you know the medicine is the miracle , and and I was just so stubborn , I guess , in the way that I wanted to receive miracles and and I think I had a lot of shame too like if I had more faith , if I was a better person , then I wouldn't need medication or therapy , or your mom helping me again for the third time that week .
Speaker 3You know , yeah , I wouldn't need that extra support , but it's just like . No , those are the miracles , those are the answers . So I guess , just being more open to accepting the miracle and the way heavenly father is trying to give them , versus the way I think they should come right , that would have been helpful to learn earlier on . And I think to just try to find hope and light wherever you can and don't have the expectation that you're gonna feel joy again . That might sound kind of cynical , but it's just like you know , people talk about the joy have felt , that pure joy . It's bittersweet or it's it has more of a heavy feeling accompanying it , you know it's like it's the opposition in all things is when you truly feel it .
Speaker 3Exactly . And even when I couldn't feel it again because of the pain I was going through , either mentally , emotionally , physically , like I think , just remembering I had I don't want to call it an affirmation , necessarily , but I just had this phrase I'd always say it's just like I already chose to have faith . I don't need to choose again . I already chose to have faith , I don't need to choose again . And and if there's this , if there's something that you can say to yourself , as trite as it might feel , even if you don't actually believe it in the moment , a lot of times like it just it's that thing that can get you through . You know , you gotta find that . And and also just let people help you yeah and be willing to ask for it .
Speaker 3I feel like I needed your mom to come in with her sledgehammer and smash down my that is her style it is , and I needed it . I needed it so badly , but she paved the way for me to allow so many other relationships in my life , and so don't wait for the redhead with a sledgehammer to come show up on your door , because she will , she will , and if you don't have her in your life , just just let someone in without needing a sledgehammer . Yeah . Because it's worth it .
Speaker 2Well , thank you , micaiah , so much for all the amazing things that you shared . This has been a really cool night , and would you mind just leaving us with a quick testimony leaving us with a quick testimony .
Speaker 3Yeah , it's funny that you asked
Belief in God and Resilience
Speaker 3that . I think this is another thing I've worked on a lot through my recent trials . That phrase like I know , I know , I know I . I don't know a lot , I don't know that God is real , I don't know that his church is true , but I believe that he is real and I believe that he loves me and I believe that Jesus Christ went through the atonement and went through what he did because of love . And I believe that there's so many good things in life to go along with the bad and that , as we remember the experiences that we have and the faith and the hope that's there for us , that ultimately that's what's there to help us get through this mortal existence . And I believe that , although there are some things about the church that are difficult and even culturally might be hard to go through sometimes , I do believe that the gospel is true and that the more I follow it and try to apply it in my life , the better I become . And I say that in the name of .
Speaker 2Jesus Christ , amen , amen . Thank you so much , micaiah , for sharing your story .
Speaker 3Thank you .